I'm getting annoyed by people constantly asking me to stay in Ottawa and all that. I mean, I get that they like me, want my company and stuff like that. But me going home is not about them. It's about me.
Me moving TO Ottawa was about me. It's ALWAYS about me, has no one noticed this yet?
My plan to come up here was just another example of Alanna running away from her life, or attempting another beginning somewhere else, or just not dealing with stuff first hand. It's what I always do. Why do you think I went to Australia anyway, even AFTER Dave said that he couldn't go? I never deal with my problems, I just walk away from them and expect them to fix themselves.
They don't. I've always known this. But I'm working on all that. I've BEEN working on that. Kinda. I have to admit, I've got another running away backup-plan... But don't I always?
I always kinda thought of Ottawa as being something of a sanctuary... it's like, my happy place. And I'd toyed with the idea of coming back up here and how I would be happy here. And I'm sure I would... but I have unfinished business back home, and I miss my friends back home, and I can save money back home. This stint in Ottawa was always about being a trial. A chance to see if this was what I was missing. And maybe some of it was, but I never really had intentions to stay here forever.
I just wish people understood why I can't stay here. Not this time. I know some people get it, and thats why they haven't been bugging me to stay. I'm sure the people who keep telling me to stay think they are doing something good, showing me that they enjoy my company, like having me around etc... and I appreciate that. But anyone who truly knows me will know that I gotta do what I gotta do.
I have no idea what will happen this fall. It's going to be a transition time for me. It's going to be rocky. But thats what I've been hanging on for. My life could change dramatically or maybe it wont, I have no real idea. But I won't find out being here in Ottawa. It's something I have to go home for. I know the people here will still be here when I return, be it for a visit or whatever. And I know that if they are my friends they will be my support through whatever I need, even if I'm not physically in the same location.
So, everyone, please stop pestering me to stay in Ottawa. I know you mean well. But if you want what's best for me, let me do my thing. You know I'm going to anyway.