Fear

Things have gone downhill since last I wrote.

 

As I said last time, my mom has been doing her chemo treatments etc. Her blood counts always go down with each treatment, which impairs the doing of the next treatment... and on top of all that the treatments do not appear to be doing much of anything.

 

I went home on Sat and my mom confessed to me that her doctor says that they are in a corner - the treatments aren't really having the desired effect, and with her blood going down all the time they can't give her more treatments. Basically, we're fucked.

 

The way my father so eloquently put it it could be 3 days or 3 weeks but they basically don't know how much longer she may have left. He said that through the week he didn't think she'd make it. Like everyone she has her good days and her bad days - it's too bad her bad days are the ones that bring her so close to us losing her.

 

I never thought I was afraid of anything. I'm pretty fearless. This whole thing has brought fear out of me though. I'm terrified of life without my mom around. In the last 5 or 6 years we've gone from being mother/daughter to actually being friends. She's been my partner in crime for a few things now. There are so many things that I am not ready to not have taken away from me - who am I going to call when I'm at the grocery store and want to know what size of turkey to buy? Who do I call when I need to know exactly how a recipe works or what spices to use? Or how long I'm supposed to cook asparagus/corn/potatoes for? All these things are things I know, deep in the recesses of my mind the answers are there, but they are reasons I call my mom.

 

My mom has always been there for me. What I will do without her, I have no idea.

 

The other part of it that terrifies me is the fact that I will almost positively have to move home to take care of my brother and father. Dad doesn't think he can keep the house if it's just him and my brother. I think he's more terrified of being alone. I've just moved away and attempted to set up my own life and now I'm being pressured to come home and seemingly devote myself to taking care of my father and brother for the rest of my existence.

 

Dad doesn't understand that I can't just pack up and move home - that it took 4 months to get my transfer down here finalized and that there isn't a place to return to in Waterloo. If I am to return it would involve me finding a new job - and I don't have the energy to find a new job on top of everything else.

 

I guess I'll have to send him money, I don't know. I don't want to lose my childhood home - I fully intend to own that house someday. I've been tossing that idea around my head as well - buying the house off of my parents and then having it for ever.

 

I don't do "depressed" well. I cried so much yesterday that my nose and cheeks are dried out and scabby from the salt water from my eyes and the kleenex used to mop it up. I had a lovely puffy face yesterday and beet red eyes to go along with it. On top of all that I felt sick to my stomach from thinking too hard. And I was getting super annoyed by the end of it. My brain and heart/soul were conflicting - my brain was like "God, get a grip on yourself. Just calm down and stop your weeping." Every time someone asks how I'm doing it's enough for my eyes to fill up and me to get choked up. And it's driving me crazy.

 

I know I have a great support system. I have friends and family who are there for me. They help take care of my mom at home, and they are there to listen to me when I need them. I know I'll get through this even though it will be horrible the whole way though. I just wish someone had the power to reverse time and we could have fixed this before it all started.

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