Winding Down

The holidays are almost over, and with that I am going to be embarking on a very different year.

 

These last few weeks have been a flurry of activity. From the Friday that my mom passed away til now I have been constantly busy. I was off for a few days, at work for a couple, off a few more, back on... off again... on again... on monday it will all get back to the normal routine.

 

The Christmas season this year was strange. A lot of it felt like there was nothing different, but there were a lot of things that were. Instead of going with my brother and parents to christmas eve service at church, I stayed in London with Dave's family, eating and drinking and playing games and having a great time. I spent the night with his family and on Christmas morning opened presents and had a great breakfast of french toast. Then, on Christmas day afternoon we went to Toronto. There my brother and dad met up with us. Boxing day was met with more arrivals and we had the usual feast - and we managed to fit 21 people around the table.

 

There were times I wasn't aware of my mom not being there, but at other times it hit me pretty hard. Walking into the kitchen at my aunt's house, there were only 2 of them cooking dinner instead of 3... and previously 4 (we've only had one christmas without my grandma as well). A few times I felt my eyes watering when I thought about my mom but I always had someone to give me a hug.

 

It wasn't until dinner the 3rd night with all of us there that I kinda melted down. My aunt answered the phone and it was my dad, calling to make sure my brother's (non)girlfriend had made it to Toronto safely since it was incredibly foggy out. We got to talking around the table and my aunt pointed out that my dad worries a lot now and that he's always concerned that we've all made it safe and sound wherever we needed to be. I've never really thought about my dad as the worrier in the house but as my brother pointed out, he always has been. He was always the one asking me to call whenever I got somewhere. Anyway, I started to cry, which made the rest of the family kinda cry too.

 

It was good and bad, having the holidays without my mom. And I'm sure the holidays will always be hard. However, everyone is so great that I know I won't be alone.

 

And now, back in London, I'm sitting on the eve of a new year. Lets hope this one is better than the last.

--
alanna foell : professional photographer : www.afphotography.cjb.net

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Happy Merry Christmahannakwanzakah!!! Or Festivus? Holidays?

 

Either way, I hope everyone has a fantastic holiday season.

 

With all the recent changes and upheavels in my life, I decided back at the beginning of the month that I was boycotting Christmas this year. I decided to celebrate Christmas in July. However, along with that, it meant I didn't do my usual Christmas card... and boy did I have an awesome one planned for this year. Sadly, with a few key members of my family off in warmer, better places on the other side, that plan did not go through.

 

I must have somehow found a little bit of Christmas spirit, and realized I wanted to send outo a little bit of holiday cheer. So, with it being slightly slower at work than usual, I was able to find the time to create a little holiday masterpiece.

 

Happy Holidays, everyone. Enjoy your time with your families, friends and loved ones. Give out lots of hugs and think about what the people (and animals) in your life mean to you. I know I will be cherishing mine.

 

Alanna

--
alanna foell : professional photographer : www.afphotography.cjb.net

Mom - An "Essay?"

I was hoping to perhaps speak about my mom on Thurs, but decided not to. Here are some thoughts on what I was going to say

- - - -

Eh-hay, ut-way are-ay ee-way iving-gay ad-day and-ad ames-jay or-fey Istmas-say?

Thy-bey ibe-are gibetting sybome tie-bools, sybocks ibe-and, bybox-iybers.

This could have been the beginning of a normal secret conversation with me and my mom - me speaking in Pig Latin, she responding in Gibberish... I could always understand her, but could never actually form the words in the made up language.

Somewhere along the way my mom and I started to become friends. Like most girls in their early teens, I didn't believe my mom understood me. She just didn't "get" me or anything I was "about". However, as I grew up we started to see each other in a different light. Maybe it was somewhere around the time that we started to have parties at home, maybe it was after she met a few of my boyfriends, maybe it was when I got my drivers licence and she was too scared to go with me places - either way she and I started to see each other as allies instead of forces butting heads.

It was somewhere around 17 that she started to let me have parties at home where my friends came over and we openly drank around her. She was always around with us though - sitting in the kitchen playing cards with her friends, or out on the porch talking to my friends. She never let anyone that came in the door call her "Mrs Foell" - "Thats my mother in law" she would always say. "Call me mom, or Lois" she would tell my friends. She'd introduce herself to people she didnt' know as "The Mom" and everyone always called her that. She always made sure that we were well fed while partying at the house and set to work making fresh bread whenever she knew I was going to have friends over. She could be found dancing around the kitchen with my friend Mark or sitting beside Tony playing the piano. And one of her standing rules was "No F-Bombs in the kitchen!!" Everyone listened to her, because she was Mom. Most of the time when kids have parties the first question is "Are your parents going to be there?"... not very often is a "Yes" the answer that everyone gets excited about.

My cousins and I often joke that we are "a direct product of our environment" - we are so much like our mothers that it's scary. My mom was "training" me to become her long before I realized it. However, little did she know it, she was becoming me too.

After years of being completely disgusted when my brother and I would do our usual "Does this look gross just because it's in my mouth" dinner time experiment I was floored when she took a bite of food and turned to me, mouth wide open, tongue sticking out. "Gross or not gross" she said, through the mouthful of food.

Now, don't get me wrong, there were times she drove me crazy. Never one to relinquish what iota of control she might have over a situation, I had to prove myself worthy of things like pie-making skills and how to wash the dishes. I recall one such incident that I had to have Karen physically hold her back while I attempted to roll out a pie crust without her "assistance". And don't even get me started on the dishwasher - we all know Mom is the only one who went to Dishwasher University and got the necessary qualifications to load it correctly and therefore maximizing it's cleaning abilities.

Often I think my mother indulged me when I came up with ridiculous ideas. When I decided that I wanted a pet sheep as my "look at me, I've graduated from college" present, it only took a little bit of persistence to finally get her to agree. I'm sure she did it only for the story - she could tell her friends "Look at my silly daughter! Wants a sheep... now I've got another thing to look after".

When I brought my pet lizard, Dragon, home from Ottawa with me she seemed apprehensive at first but not long after I would come home from work and she'd be telling me stories about what Dragon had done through out the day.

With my mom, even the most serious of situations was taken lightly. She would crack jokes and make the best of a bad situation. I'm much like her in that way. When she went through her chemo treatments in 2005 I saw it as a reason to hang out. We went to chemo treatments together and went wig shopping together. Sometime after her treatments and surgeries we were sitting at the kitchen table and I was asking her about her breast form. Not one to miss an opportunity, she took it out and tossed it to me. Mom and I would always be doing silly and inappropriate things - be it getting into uncontrollable giggle fits at church or pointing and laughing at people when we were out on one of our excursions. I'll never forget the day she asked me to do something and I said "Would I?!" sarcastically. She responded with "Fat ass". I looked at her, shocked... until she told me a joke about the guy with a wooden eye asking the wallflower at the prom to dance... and after that it became one of those things that would just set us off on another fit of laughter.

One of my favourite memories of things we did together was when I convinced her to go trick-or-treating with me - and we dressed as each other. It was the fall after she had finished her chemo treatments and she had her wig left over. Sometime around Sept I got it in my head that we would dress up as each other. I started bugging her constantly, telling her that I would wear her clothes, she could wear mine and we'd go out visiting family friends. By the time Halloween had come around I had worn her down. She agreed to put on my clothes and I'd wear hers. I have to admit, I was probably more convincing as her than she was as me, but the fact that she actually did it amused me to no end.

I could go on and on and on about my mom and all the things we shared...and while I know I'll miss her in the years to come I know that she set me on the right path. I may not ever know the secrets of dishwasher loading or the intricate system of speaking Gibberish, but I will always remember the inside jokes we shared and the silly things we got up to.

Photos From Mom's Going Away Party

I spent Wed night before Thurs (day of the service/party) scanning old pictures of mom and putting them onto boards to display.

Click HERE to view all the pictures.

Lois Foell 1955-2008

An email I sent out to friends and family:

Hey All...
It does seem somewhat odd to be announcing this via email but this is my best bet at reaching everyone that I think would want to know.

If you didn't already know from talking to me, my mom's cancer returned in April of 2008 although not actually re-diagnosed until July 2008 when she broke her leg. She fought the good fight and did chemo and radiation again. However, this time she was not so lucky as to beat the horrible disease. Mom passed away - sorry - Mom went off to have a scotch with her family on the other side - on Friday night.

Anyone who knew my mom knows that she loved Fridays. Friday nights were always Happy Hour at my house, and it was a free to drop in kind of thing. How very appropriate that she would choose Friday night to finally quit fighting and allow herself to finally rest.

A few weeks ago when she was starting to feel defeated she told me she didn't want to have a funeral - that she wanted to have a party instead. She's always loved a good party. So, party we will.

For anyone that can make it, there will be a memorial service held at the Elmira Legion from 1-4 on Thurs Dec 18th. We will eat, drink and be merry and celebrate the life of my mom... because she wouldn't have it any other way. If you need directions, please let me know.

Many heartfelt thanks go out to all of you that have been there listening to me throughout these last few months. Your support and kindness will never be forgotten.
Alanna

Congrats To Me - I'm Officially A Mother

... to a 56 and 22 year old. Such a dubious honour!

 

Yes. I will assume the rank of M.R.F in my family - most responsible female (and therefore person overall) in the near future.

 

Somehow I imagine that this is how someone like Prince William or Henry might feel - you know you're going to take over, but you don't know when... you've spent your life learning how to "do" these things, but even when the time arrives you can't be sure exactly how you do stuff. Luckily, like with most monarchies (or matriarchies, in the case of my family) there is always people around to help out.

 

All this prefaces the fact that it has been decided that my mom isn't going to be returning home from the hospital. From what I have been told, she will be going into a hospice type care facility until it's "her time". On top of that, my dad and I have been informed that we both have power of attorney over her financial affairs - and since my dad isn't so great with all that kinda stuff that means it's up to me.

 

We worked out a system this weekend that basically comes down to the fact that I'll be taking care of making sure the bills are paid. I'm planning on setting it all up online and doing from wherever I live. As long as my dad puts money into the accounts then I'll be able to pay them.

 

It's been a bit urgent this weekend - we all worry that my mom will be gone before we have a chance to deal with transfering some of her money into my dad's accounts and all her money will be frozen. Since my mom hasn't been working my parents have slipped into quite a bit of debt and we have to figure out that situation.

 

On top of all that awesome new responsibility, my mom's cat Clyde is suffering from what we think is stress! He's been eating his feet, licking himself raw and more or less looks like he has flesh-eating disease!! I don't know whether he should come to London to live with me or what. It's a mess.

 

Normally you get to ease your way into being an adult - your parents are always there to help you out when you have questions about things like insurance, mortgages, all that kinda stuff that you don't just learn on your own. And for most people they have until they are like, 40 or 50 til they don't have their parents anymore to ask. (Or parental figures, I suppose). However, since my mom has always been the one to do all the parental stuff at my house I feel like I've just been handed the lovely honour of now being an official adult. Hurray for me.

 

I'm not totally awash in the sea though. I have my aunts and uncles there beside me to help me out with all this crap. They understand this stuff totally and I'm so glad they can help me out. Who'd have thought that my god-parents would get to assume their role of surrogate parents? (well, kinda).

 

I'm too hard on my dad sometimes, I know I am. He's a good person. However I can't say I wasn't completely pissed off on the weekend when I learned how much he spends in a month on vices - trips to the beer store, the LCBO, buying smokes. It's absolutely ridiculous!! There is no reason!!! Where I learned to become the responsible adult that I am (or have been given the honour of) I wonder. I don't smoke, drink in moderation, eat well and exercise. Not traits I learned from my family, thats for sure.

 

I need a vacation. I want to be like Zak Morris from Saved by the Bell and press pause and not have to have life happen for just a short while. I want someone to tell me the answers and make everything work out for me. And I want it now, not down the road. Yes, it will all work out - or at least it will feel like it has, but that feeling will not come quickly.

 

Christmas in July

I've decided that because of all the crappy stuff going on in my life currently I am not celebrating Christmas this year. It's one added stress that I just can not add to the already precariously swaying pile of b.s that is my life.

So therefore, Christmas will be in July. I will decorate a tree in my yard, I will give gifts in the summer and I will enjoy a ice cream cone instead of a massive turkey dinner. Maybe by then my mom will be better. Maybe she won't, it's hard to say, but it's something to work towards instead of working against.

Mom's back in the hospital - it's more serious than last time. On Friday she went in for a routine blood check. She'd been feeling very sluggish and out of it, and figured she would require a transfusion. However, once they had taken her blood they instructed her to go home and they would call with the results as it was taking longer than usual.
Before she got home though, the hospital had called numerous times saying to come back right away, her blood count was down at 35, compared to the normal 120 that a healthy person lives at. Technically speaking, there is no reason she should have still been alive. People's bodies just do not function with that little blood and oxygen.
They pumped her full of 4 bags of blood - thats 4 pints/a litre (I think) - over night on Friday and started to monitor her vitals. Because of the extreme lack of oxygen, her heart had to work 3x as hard and thus she was at risk for a heart attack and/or stroke.
Currently she's still extremely exhausted, even though they have got her blood counts up to about 90. She doesn't make much sense when she talks and drifts in and out of sleep.
I don't figure they are letting her out of the hospital until she's capable of functioning somewhat independently - and she has someone to help her out at home. And because there isn't anyone who is able to be home 24 hours a day I don't imagine when that time will come.

I am exhausted. Mentally I have just checked out. I go about my daily functions and try to find something each day that makes me smile. Work is a good distraction, but the minute the weekend comes I'm back in the car driving home again to see the family. I need a vacation - put my life on hold and just go somewhere. Where? I don't care. When? Now would be preferable, but I can't really do that.

I try not to think about what is going to happen down the road. I don't like to think about having to move home. Thankfully no one has put that pressure on me recently.

I don't want anything for Xmas this year, nor do I want to feel I should give people things. Yes, it's better to give than to receive - however I don't have the ambition to come up with any ideas for what people would like - and a cop-out gift is not something I want to do. Instead I'll take up the holidays at a different time.

There is only one thing I want this holiday season - for my mom to get better, or to go in peace, if thats what fate has in store for her. I don't want her to suffer any longer, and I don't want my family to have to constantly be thinking "what if".