Photos From Mom's Going Away Party

I spent Wed night before Thurs (day of the service/party) scanning old pictures of mom and putting them onto boards to display.

Click HERE to view all the pictures.

Lois Foell 1955-2008

An email I sent out to friends and family:

Hey All...
It does seem somewhat odd to be announcing this via email but this is my best bet at reaching everyone that I think would want to know.

If you didn't already know from talking to me, my mom's cancer returned in April of 2008 although not actually re-diagnosed until July 2008 when she broke her leg. She fought the good fight and did chemo and radiation again. However, this time she was not so lucky as to beat the horrible disease. Mom passed away - sorry - Mom went off to have a scotch with her family on the other side - on Friday night.

Anyone who knew my mom knows that she loved Fridays. Friday nights were always Happy Hour at my house, and it was a free to drop in kind of thing. How very appropriate that she would choose Friday night to finally quit fighting and allow herself to finally rest.

A few weeks ago when she was starting to feel defeated she told me she didn't want to have a funeral - that she wanted to have a party instead. She's always loved a good party. So, party we will.

For anyone that can make it, there will be a memorial service held at the Elmira Legion from 1-4 on Thurs Dec 18th. We will eat, drink and be merry and celebrate the life of my mom... because she wouldn't have it any other way. If you need directions, please let me know.

Many heartfelt thanks go out to all of you that have been there listening to me throughout these last few months. Your support and kindness will never be forgotten.
Alanna

Congrats To Me - I'm Officially A Mother

... to a 56 and 22 year old. Such a dubious honour!

 

Yes. I will assume the rank of M.R.F in my family - most responsible female (and therefore person overall) in the near future.

 

Somehow I imagine that this is how someone like Prince William or Henry might feel - you know you're going to take over, but you don't know when... you've spent your life learning how to "do" these things, but even when the time arrives you can't be sure exactly how you do stuff. Luckily, like with most monarchies (or matriarchies, in the case of my family) there is always people around to help out.

 

All this prefaces the fact that it has been decided that my mom isn't going to be returning home from the hospital. From what I have been told, she will be going into a hospice type care facility until it's "her time". On top of that, my dad and I have been informed that we both have power of attorney over her financial affairs - and since my dad isn't so great with all that kinda stuff that means it's up to me.

 

We worked out a system this weekend that basically comes down to the fact that I'll be taking care of making sure the bills are paid. I'm planning on setting it all up online and doing from wherever I live. As long as my dad puts money into the accounts then I'll be able to pay them.

 

It's been a bit urgent this weekend - we all worry that my mom will be gone before we have a chance to deal with transfering some of her money into my dad's accounts and all her money will be frozen. Since my mom hasn't been working my parents have slipped into quite a bit of debt and we have to figure out that situation.

 

On top of all that awesome new responsibility, my mom's cat Clyde is suffering from what we think is stress! He's been eating his feet, licking himself raw and more or less looks like he has flesh-eating disease!! I don't know whether he should come to London to live with me or what. It's a mess.

 

Normally you get to ease your way into being an adult - your parents are always there to help you out when you have questions about things like insurance, mortgages, all that kinda stuff that you don't just learn on your own. And for most people they have until they are like, 40 or 50 til they don't have their parents anymore to ask. (Or parental figures, I suppose). However, since my mom has always been the one to do all the parental stuff at my house I feel like I've just been handed the lovely honour of now being an official adult. Hurray for me.

 

I'm not totally awash in the sea though. I have my aunts and uncles there beside me to help me out with all this crap. They understand this stuff totally and I'm so glad they can help me out. Who'd have thought that my god-parents would get to assume their role of surrogate parents? (well, kinda).

 

I'm too hard on my dad sometimes, I know I am. He's a good person. However I can't say I wasn't completely pissed off on the weekend when I learned how much he spends in a month on vices - trips to the beer store, the LCBO, buying smokes. It's absolutely ridiculous!! There is no reason!!! Where I learned to become the responsible adult that I am (or have been given the honour of) I wonder. I don't smoke, drink in moderation, eat well and exercise. Not traits I learned from my family, thats for sure.

 

I need a vacation. I want to be like Zak Morris from Saved by the Bell and press pause and not have to have life happen for just a short while. I want someone to tell me the answers and make everything work out for me. And I want it now, not down the road. Yes, it will all work out - or at least it will feel like it has, but that feeling will not come quickly.

 

Christmas in July

I've decided that because of all the crappy stuff going on in my life currently I am not celebrating Christmas this year. It's one added stress that I just can not add to the already precariously swaying pile of b.s that is my life.

So therefore, Christmas will be in July. I will decorate a tree in my yard, I will give gifts in the summer and I will enjoy a ice cream cone instead of a massive turkey dinner. Maybe by then my mom will be better. Maybe she won't, it's hard to say, but it's something to work towards instead of working against.

Mom's back in the hospital - it's more serious than last time. On Friday she went in for a routine blood check. She'd been feeling very sluggish and out of it, and figured she would require a transfusion. However, once they had taken her blood they instructed her to go home and they would call with the results as it was taking longer than usual.
Before she got home though, the hospital had called numerous times saying to come back right away, her blood count was down at 35, compared to the normal 120 that a healthy person lives at. Technically speaking, there is no reason she should have still been alive. People's bodies just do not function with that little blood and oxygen.
They pumped her full of 4 bags of blood - thats 4 pints/a litre (I think) - over night on Friday and started to monitor her vitals. Because of the extreme lack of oxygen, her heart had to work 3x as hard and thus she was at risk for a heart attack and/or stroke.
Currently she's still extremely exhausted, even though they have got her blood counts up to about 90. She doesn't make much sense when she talks and drifts in and out of sleep.
I don't figure they are letting her out of the hospital until she's capable of functioning somewhat independently - and she has someone to help her out at home. And because there isn't anyone who is able to be home 24 hours a day I don't imagine when that time will come.

I am exhausted. Mentally I have just checked out. I go about my daily functions and try to find something each day that makes me smile. Work is a good distraction, but the minute the weekend comes I'm back in the car driving home again to see the family. I need a vacation - put my life on hold and just go somewhere. Where? I don't care. When? Now would be preferable, but I can't really do that.

I try not to think about what is going to happen down the road. I don't like to think about having to move home. Thankfully no one has put that pressure on me recently.

I don't want anything for Xmas this year, nor do I want to feel I should give people things. Yes, it's better to give than to receive - however I don't have the ambition to come up with any ideas for what people would like - and a cop-out gift is not something I want to do. Instead I'll take up the holidays at a different time.

There is only one thing I want this holiday season - for my mom to get better, or to go in peace, if thats what fate has in store for her. I don't want her to suffer any longer, and I don't want my family to have to constantly be thinking "what if".

Fear

Things have gone downhill since last I wrote.

 

As I said last time, my mom has been doing her chemo treatments etc. Her blood counts always go down with each treatment, which impairs the doing of the next treatment... and on top of all that the treatments do not appear to be doing much of anything.

 

I went home on Sat and my mom confessed to me that her doctor says that they are in a corner - the treatments aren't really having the desired effect, and with her blood going down all the time they can't give her more treatments. Basically, we're fucked.

 

The way my father so eloquently put it it could be 3 days or 3 weeks but they basically don't know how much longer she may have left. He said that through the week he didn't think she'd make it. Like everyone she has her good days and her bad days - it's too bad her bad days are the ones that bring her so close to us losing her.

 

I never thought I was afraid of anything. I'm pretty fearless. This whole thing has brought fear out of me though. I'm terrified of life without my mom around. In the last 5 or 6 years we've gone from being mother/daughter to actually being friends. She's been my partner in crime for a few things now. There are so many things that I am not ready to not have taken away from me - who am I going to call when I'm at the grocery store and want to know what size of turkey to buy? Who do I call when I need to know exactly how a recipe works or what spices to use? Or how long I'm supposed to cook asparagus/corn/potatoes for? All these things are things I know, deep in the recesses of my mind the answers are there, but they are reasons I call my mom.

 

My mom has always been there for me. What I will do without her, I have no idea.

 

The other part of it that terrifies me is the fact that I will almost positively have to move home to take care of my brother and father. Dad doesn't think he can keep the house if it's just him and my brother. I think he's more terrified of being alone. I've just moved away and attempted to set up my own life and now I'm being pressured to come home and seemingly devote myself to taking care of my father and brother for the rest of my existence.

 

Dad doesn't understand that I can't just pack up and move home - that it took 4 months to get my transfer down here finalized and that there isn't a place to return to in Waterloo. If I am to return it would involve me finding a new job - and I don't have the energy to find a new job on top of everything else.

 

I guess I'll have to send him money, I don't know. I don't want to lose my childhood home - I fully intend to own that house someday. I've been tossing that idea around my head as well - buying the house off of my parents and then having it for ever.

 

I don't do "depressed" well. I cried so much yesterday that my nose and cheeks are dried out and scabby from the salt water from my eyes and the kleenex used to mop it up. I had a lovely puffy face yesterday and beet red eyes to go along with it. On top of all that I felt sick to my stomach from thinking too hard. And I was getting super annoyed by the end of it. My brain and heart/soul were conflicting - my brain was like "God, get a grip on yourself. Just calm down and stop your weeping." Every time someone asks how I'm doing it's enough for my eyes to fill up and me to get choked up. And it's driving me crazy.

 

I know I have a great support system. I have friends and family who are there for me. They help take care of my mom at home, and they are there to listen to me when I need them. I know I'll get through this even though it will be horrible the whole way though. I just wish someone had the power to reverse time and we could have fixed this before it all started.

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alanna foell : professional photographer : www.afphotography.cjb.net