Someone's watching

Today was pretty interesting, but yet I feel like I can't even talk about it based on the nature of the subject... I guess the only thing I can say is long story short my blog got me into trouble because of my unedited, purely self-indulgent way of writing.

Something I had written about something I did (told you I feel I can't even write about it) was found by the people who weren't really even involved, and everything I said was taken the wrong way. Granted, I was probably in the wrong for having used names in previous posts, but those posts were not derogatory in any way (those posts have since been edited and names removed).

While I see both sides of the whole thing, really I think it was a bit over-the-top as anything I have written was in no way directed at the people who saw it. Anyone who reads this blog knows how I write: rambling, as thoughts pour out of my brain, and unedited. I'm not a bad person, and I wouldn't jeopardize something I really enjoy for my rambling thoughts.

So dear readers, I guess expect more vague entries unless I'm talking about some mundane object or something weird that happened because there are people out there who care more about what I write than I do.

I feel like I should have a disclaimer for my blog.... but if you read the whole paragraph under the title, that should explain it enough!!!

Floating

Ever felt like all of your hardwork and patience might actually pay off? It's funny, of all the things I've done with myself, I never thought I would get that feeling from something so simple as a second chance at something.

I've spent the better half of the last year and a half without the person I realized too late was who I can only consider to be my soul mate... someone who understands the things I say, can answer my questions when I haven't even asked them, and still gives me butterflies in my stomach when I see their name in my inbox. A person that understands the humour behind the word "larvee" and "Chomp'd!"

I was stupid once, and took all that for granted... and there was a time when I thought I had lost it all. I tried to fill that void, but it always wasn't quite full. I said that I wasn't waiting, but I was... at least part of me was.

I've always wanted one of those stories, you know the ones... the story that, when someone tells you about how they met, or got together you get a tear in your eye and you say "awww". My grandparents had one of those stories... they met and then spent the better part of 5 years apart, as my grandfather was in the war. They wrote letters to each other everyday while apart, and when my grandfather returned to Canada, they got married 2 weeks later. They spent the next 52 years together, until my grandfather passed away.

And now maybe I have one of those stories... it was one of those stories before all that has happened, but now it's only better.

I'm still nervous though. Nervous that it won't all work... nervous that I'll make the same mistakes again.

But right now I'm really enjoying this feeling... that "new love" feeling, but it's easier than that, because I know this person like I know myself... I love this flirting, the anticipation, the not knowing what will happen.

Someone please dont burst my bubble, I don't wanna come back down

Calgary here, Calgary there...

So far Calgary has been good... yesterday we went to the zoo, and today we are venturing downtown to see what Calgary's core has to offer.

Pictures:
Bits and Pieces
Calgary Zoo


More to come!!

The Adventure Begins!

Here I am, safely in Calgary at Camille's place....

We arrived last night around 11 Calgary time (so about 1am home-time) after a 4 hour flight.

The flight itself was interesting, and I got my first taste of what it's like to travel with a toddler. With us went : car seat, stroller, Meg's giant suitcase, my backpacking backpack from Oz, and a big backpack each. We couldn't check in online and so we had to lug all our stuff to the check in desk and the oversized luggage area.

We were able to check in first due to having a baby with us, and we had to leave the stroller at the door. We were instructed upon sitting down how to hold a baby during taxi and take off (in the burping position, apparently. Clearly these people don't have babies. Theres no way you can hold a 14 month old like this successfully for more than 2 minutes). In the long run I ended up holding Wylie on my lap and pointing out the window at the lights. He did great in terms of take off, didn't cry at all.

It took about an hour and a half until he fell asleep and the only real way of getting him to sleep was for me to hold him with my leg propped up on the seat in front of me so that I was something of a reclining bed. This worked great until I realized I was starving and wanted to eat. I had put the apples Aunt Jane had sent with us on the far side of me, between me and the wall of the plane. The wraps were in the pocket in front of me. So theres Meg, reaching around me, under my leg and to the far side of me, all the while we aren't really talking because we don't want to wake up Wylie... and then theres me, one arm pinned under Wylie, kinda trying to eat with my free hand, but I can't really do much... it was amusing over all.

He slept most of the way, which was good. Finally got to Cam's and settled in around 1am (C-Time) where I promptly went to bed. Today has been rather surreal, as things are familiar and yet totally not all at once. We went to the mall and wandered about... and we went for a drive into downtown Calgary... took a few pictures which I will put up soon.

Tomorrow is the ZOO!! I'm going to the zoo, zoo, zoo... you can come too too too... Lots of pictures will follow.

Weeee!

I'm not really sure where to start in regards to all thats been going on in the last 24 hours... but I'll just leave it to say that it's been good, life feels like it's fallen back into place, and while my head is still spinning at what's been going on I've got a week to let things settle into their proper places.

Funny how one can pick up where they left off...and it doesn't really seem strange at all. History is repeating itself and it's up to me to remember to not let the same things happen again.

Only a few hours stand between me and a week off work, visiting Camille in Calgary. I'm quite excited... expect lots of pictures to come.

Found Poem....

Last night I was having a conversation with someone about things written a long while ago and past memories and stuff like that... and this poem came to mind... it hung on my wall for more than 3 years...I didn't write it, it was written for me after perhaps the best mistake I ever made...

we lie wrapped around each other, and compensate to
breathe in sync -- you are all I hear
content to be still, but concede to the other's wish
for motion -- you are all I feel
your hair hangs across my face and tickles, but I
don't push it aside -- you are all I smell
your hair slides past my face as you press your
lips to mine -- you are all I taste
with no ego, our eyes meet, and you are all I
see.

Trucker Game

Does anyone else remember this game from elementary school:
http://www.classic-pc-games.com/pc/educational/cross_country_canada.html

I found a new version... it's almost as awesome
http://www.thuleroadtrip.com/thule_trail/thuleTrail.html


I think maybe only the rural school kids remember the trucker game.... because they were the ones destined to become truckers

Creepy Guys In The Dark

I dont know how I get to be so lucky, but I think I can count about 4 times that random dudes have stopped me on the street to talk to me and tell me something like "You're pretty".

I just don't get it, I wouldn't stop someone I thought was attractive on the street and ask them if they have a girlfriend, or would they like to be my boyfriend. Thats just odd. But it seems that the random people that stop me find this perfectly acceptable!!

Tonight I was walking across the downtown of Ottawa and walking along text messaging someone and listening to my iPod. All of a sudden, some random guy comes out of the shadows and starts walking in step with me. I kinda turn to acknowledge him and he smiles at me and he's like "You're really pretty" so I said thanks, and looked away. But he didn't go away. He starts telling me that he saw me across the street and wanted to come over and tell me that I was attractive or something to that effect.

We're both still walking at this point. I pulled one headphone out of an ear and I look at him, and he's still talking and he's like "I was just wondering if you have a boyfriend" and I'm like "Yeah, I do...." (which is a total lie, but like I need random scary in the dark dude knowing that) and he's like "well, thats alright, he's a lucky guy. You're beautiful" and again I'm like "Thanks...." and put my headphone back in my ear and keep walking, staying in well lit areas and texting as many people as possible!!

I've had random people stop me on the street and tell me we should date before, but sorry random guys, I'm not about to date people who talk to me on the street!!!! Weirdly enough, I think they have all been my height. Strange.

Even in the summer I had some randomn guy downtown stop me and ask me to the movies before he even told me his name!! And then there was the dude in the summer who stopped his car to say we should hang out. To all the random weirdos out there: thanks for thinking I'm attractive, it's nice to know someone pays attention, but I'm not going to date you.

I just found this article on Digg.... I think that dude last night may have read it and was feeling pumped : http://www.ehow.com/how_2094811_talk-girls-street.html

Waiting

I'm waiting for something.

I don't know what I'm waiting for, I've just been told to wait, to be patient and something will happen.

It's like knowing you'll be surprised, but the surprise is that you don't know when you'll get something and the something you get will also be a surprise. Maybe like knowing someone will be throwing you a surprise party, but you don't know when and you don't know who might show up.

It's an unnerving feeling.

And man, I'm impatient... though I know that if I want the good things to come to me (or things in general I suppose) I have to work on that. Cuz maybe it's something I've been waiting a long time for? I have no idea.

I wish I could see into the future... though I guess that would take all the fun outta it. Maybe I really am getting a surprise party :P

Here, There, Everywhere!

When I walk outta work today at 3 starts 2 weeks of being everywhere.

Tonight I'm heading to Toronto to celebrate Sartaj's birthday. It'll be awesome fun times, I'm sure.... I'm gonna wear my awesome shirt that I made (pictures will follow, but to describe it: a muted teal colour, strapless, thick band at top and bottom, cut out in back that shows off my tattoos) and heels. Hahaha. I'm only reporting this because I think it's so amusing that I'm dressing up for this event. I don't really have any real reason to dress up other than it's been a while since I have.

I don't have to work tomorrow, which is nice. Will be coming back from Toronto and going to a baby shower with Trishelle... then home to grab my stuff and back to the 'Loo to catch Airways Transit to the airport where I'm getting on a plane and flying to Ottawa.

I'll be in Ottawa all week for (name removed) Training, I really hope it's not lame. I'm sure I'll learn lots, and that is good, but I think I've realized that I just dont really do school anymore!! I get bored and fidgety when I have to sit still for a long period of time and attempt to absorb information. But it should be alright. Staying in a hotel, they've given me money and I'm gettting paid for it, so what else can I say?? I'm getting a free trip to Ottawa, I'll hopefully get to see friends and family and I don't have to pay for it!!!

I'm in Ottawa until Friday night, and then I have Sat off. Whoot! That means I should probably pack my stuff for Calgary...hmmm... yeah, right. We all know how I go about packing.

Sunday I have to work 12-5 and then after work I'm back in my car, driving to Toronto to meet my cousin Meg and Wylie, and get back on a plane and fly to Calgary to see Camille!! I am so excited, I can't wait. I hope Wylie is okay with the flight... I can't imagine how scary it must be for a little guy like him to get on a plane and take off.

I'm in Calgary until the 29th, and then it's back to work for me. I think we're going to go on a road trip while we're out there, which will be fun! I wanna see mountains, dammit!!!

And there goes the month of Oct!

Only 40 min left of work for the day, and then home I must go to pack up my stuff for Ottawa, and get ready to go to Toronto and rock out!

Who Actually Reads This?

I'm curious to know who are my regular visitors... I know people read the stuff I write all the time, but I'm not entirely sure who you all are!

Leave me a comment! Just let me know you've been by!

Strawberry Fields Forever

Just wanted to quick say that the movie Across the Universe was fantastic... read a review HERE

I've realized that I really like musicals... especially ones that are so well done. This one was fantastic. There were a few weird parts that I wasn't sure were needed, but the way the whole movie was done with Beatles songs worked into the dialogue and different characters singing the songs, it was just stunning.

I'd go see it again, I really enjoyed it. I'm downloading the soundtrack as I write this.


And it didn't help my wanting for someone to love me... see the post right before this one for that rambling.

All I need is love...

I hate when I get contemplative, overthinking things and dwelling on the same subjects over and over. My mind becomes a broken record and I don't have a way to pick up the needle and stop the cycle.

I miss being loved. I miss having that feeling of knowing someone is thinking of me. When I have a bad day and can pick up the phone and just say "today sucked" and theres someone who cares. Or I can go over to their house unexpectedly and know my presence will be welcome.

I miss having someone that will come up behind me, wrap their arms around me and rest their head on mine. Someone to curl up beside in bed, lay with my legs over and just talk to for hours. Someone who looks after me when I'm sick, tucks me into bed and lays with me until I fall asleep. Someone with whom the words come easily and there is never an awkward moment.

I miss planning that future that never actually happened, asking "what do you think of the name __________" for that child that might never exist. Saying "In our house we've got to have this..." or planning trips to far off places.

For a year and a half now, I haven't had these things. Theres been people to come close, somewhat, but no one really has hit the mark. It was either temporary or never quite reached that level. I wonder when I will again. And will it be with that same person? Or if that same person re-enters my life, would it be the same? Different? Better? Worse? I don't know. I can't easily find out.

I miss having romance in my life. I can go out and meet as many people as I want, but none of them bring romance and love into my life. I fantasize about someone sweeping me off my feet... someone walking in the door at my work, with flowers in hand, with plans to do something unexpected. Someone who's willing to bring all that that I'm missing back into my life.

I wonder if it will happen. Unfortunately, theres nothing I can do to make it happen for me.

I try, and I try, and yet I can't win

It was an A-Team night last night ... and boy was it ever.

It started out that we were going to go to this buck and doe so that she could see this guy that she wants. When I got to her place though, she decided that she didn't want to go, so we stood around her kitchen with her roomates and drank a drink before going to Mo's.

Then we went to the bar, and it was quiet. Which was fine, it usually picks up as the night progresses. Saw some of the usual suspects....

At some point she gets a call from "R" (I can't remember if I've used his name before, and I really don't feel like going back through old entries to find out), who is, if you remember, the guy I met before going up to Ottawa for the summer. He was the one that was kinda goofy and I was slightly interested in. But then, you might also remember, we went on a date, and I never heard from him again. *shakes head*.

So apparently Ange tells him that I'm at the bar, and he should come out and say hi to me and apologize for everything. So he does. It's too bad about before though, because I am just not interested now. The magic of that situation has worn off. His excuse for not calling me? "You lived far away and I'm not good with emailing and stuff. I didn't want to get involved long distance" My response? "Dude, I wasn't looking for a relationship. You could have at least phoned me." So then he proceeds to try to make up for 3 months of being a dumbass. It was kinda annoying though, he's trying soooo hard to be attentive, but it was smothering and I found myself trying to keep my distance.

What else happens? I got into a heart to heart style convo with the new girlfriend of an old boyfriend. Which was fine, I know her from way back and it was good to chat... And she let me in on some info that has caused my brain to go into overload since last night, but thats fine, thats what my brain does.

In actuality, this last event was rather important, but I'm not going to go into details about it. Though I do have to point this fact out. She asked me what a doppelganger was and I started laughing as it was in reference to a recent Facebook status name... and I said "it's like an evil twin"... and then today I looked up the definition of the word on wikipedia and it gave me this:

The doppelgängers of folklore cast no shadow, and have no reflection in a mirror or in water. They are supposed to provide advice to the person they shadow, but this advice can be misleading or malicious. They can also, in rare instances, plant ideas in their victim's mind or appear before friends and relatives, causing confusion. In many cases once someone has viewed his own doppelgänger he is doomed to be haunted by images of his ghostly counterpart.

Which caused me to laugh because though it's taken in the wrong context, it still is amazingly accurate. I am haunted by my doppelganger. Anyway......back to my story...

So after the bar shut down and my heart to heart was brought to an end I went out in the parking lot (half trying to avoid R because we know I'd rather run away from my problems than deal directly with the) and this woman comes up to me, threatening me and telling me I "better not fuck with so-and-so" and she's all up in my face, except she's shorter than me and I'm not really sure what to do because I'm not an aggressive person... so I just kinda stared at her and hoped that she's go away. Eventually someone pulled her away and tried to calm her down... and I hadn't done anything. I started walking away, and what happens? She comes up behind me and is going off again!! It was so weird. They pulled her away again and I just kinda booked it to my car without saying much, because what was there to say?

I told Ange I'd drive her back to her house, and I was originally going to stay at her house, but then she decided to invite this guy back and if I wasn't going to be able to sleep safely in her room, I wasn't about to want to sleep on her couch for fear that her roomie was going to hit on me, because he's kinda annoying and I just was not interested in fighting him off. As I was leaving to take her home, R says he wants to go for coffee or something, and I figured that I should probably have a coffee before driving back home at what would be close to 4am. After I dropped her off I went back to the bar and picked R up because I can't just say no. So we sat at Tim Horton's and had awkward conversation and I had nothing to say, because frankly I gave up being interested a while ago. I gave him a ride home and then continued on to my house. In the misty rainy dark, without my glasses on because brilliant me didn't put them on before leaving in the first place.

And, of course, I got home and decided it would be a great idea to email a certain someone. And send it. I have to stop doing that because it's just tacky. And if I can't say these things when I'm sober and thinking properly, then I shouldn't say them when alcohol has been involved. (I'm loving the word involved lately... it's the word du jour)...

Then, to top all of this off, I didn't go to bed til at least 4 am... And then proceeded to wake up at 7:30. Wide awake, half an hour before my alarm was due to go off. That just annoyed me.

My whole night was under the premise of "I'm going out, but I'm going to behave myself" and I did, behave myself that is... but yet all this drama surrounds my life. I wonder if you can get lung fish (inside joke) for your life. Don't worry, I don't actually want to drink lung fish.

A Struggle To Keep From Being Me

I'm known for my penchant to drama. I've stopped trying to convince myself that this is not the case. Besides, it's not my fault, it's genetic. It has been suggested to me that I should officially change my name to O. Alanna Foell. "O" being short for Oh. Obviously.

I'm sure there is nothing at all disruptive going on in my life. The only disruption is me myself. And I'm struggling to keep that from being the case.

DDay passed without much hurrah. I was out of town when it occured but I was made aware that it happened. I'm anxious and nervous to see him again, and I wonder if he feels the same. My over active imagination has led me to believe all kinds of things.

I've been warned that if I want anything good to come to my life (hahah, thats just me being dramatic again) then I have to stay away from Alanna style trouble. No getting involved with someone or something I'm not willing to commit myself to.

And yet, trouble seems to seek me out!!! I'm unsure of how to take things, percieve possible harmless encounters as having romantic connotations...

(Hahaha and as I write this, in my efforts to protect names realize that writing vaguely but with details is quite difficult)

And me being a natural flirt does nothing to help my situation! I bring it all on myself...

Oh, how I wish my life would hurry up and sort itself out! And yet thats not really in my control...