I hate when I get contemplative, overthinking things and dwelling on the same subjects over and over. My mind becomes a broken record and I don't have a way to pick up the needle and stop the cycle.
I miss being loved. I miss having that feeling of knowing someone is thinking of me. When I have a bad day and can pick up the phone and just say "today sucked" and theres someone who cares. Or I can go over to their house unexpectedly and know my presence will be welcome.
I miss having someone that will come up behind me, wrap their arms around me and rest their head on mine. Someone to curl up beside in bed, lay with my legs over and just talk to for hours. Someone who looks after me when I'm sick, tucks me into bed and lays with me until I fall asleep. Someone with whom the words come easily and there is never an awkward moment.
I miss planning that future that never actually happened, asking "what do you think of the name __________" for that child that might never exist. Saying "In our house we've got to have this..." or planning trips to far off places.
For a year and a half now, I haven't had these things. Theres been people to come close, somewhat, but no one really has hit the mark. It was either temporary or never quite reached that level. I wonder when I will again. And will it be with that same person? Or if that same person re-enters my life, would it be the same? Different? Better? Worse? I don't know. I can't easily find out.
I miss having romance in my life. I can go out and meet as many people as I want, but none of them bring romance and love into my life. I fantasize about someone sweeping me off my feet... someone walking in the door at my work, with flowers in hand, with plans to do something unexpected. Someone who's willing to bring all that that I'm missing back into my life.
I wonder if it will happen. Unfortunately, theres nothing I can do to make it happen for me.
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