Not really sure what to say...

Amazing how one thing can bring you down from feeling great to feeling like the scum of the earth.

I'm still having a hard time dealing with my "rejection" of the friend who's cut me out since I've returned home. We've recently started talking again, somewhat, but it's making it even harder on me. Harder in the sense that he's brought to light somethings about myself that I prefer to keep buried.

As I've said before, I went up to Ottawa this summer to clear my head, have a fresh start, all that fun stuff. But while I was there I was torn. Part of me was having fun with new people and stuff, but there was that part of me that wasn't letting go of everything back "home".

I don't even know how to explain the situation. Basically I pulled an Alanna and fucked shit up. Surprise surprise, isn't that what I always do? Put my feelings in front of others??

I know I do it, though it's never really a conscious thing. I don't set out to hurt people. Really I don't! It's just that I'm selfish and ultimately my happiness is what prevails. Thats what got me into the situation with Dave and thats what's got me into this situation now.

Does anyone remember THIS post? Apparently I should listen to my ramblings and not get myself involved!!

Why does me being happy always end up causing someone else's hurt? I guess I am just a selfish person...Sometimes that works out for me, sometimes it doesn't.

Is it possible to be selfish and not selfish all at once? I don't know. I think I have to start being more aware of how my actions affect others rather than just acting without consideration of consequence and assuming everyone else will pick up the pieces.

I feel like a horrible person tonight.

Love vs Hate

I'm a freak, I know this. I hate (well, maybe thats too strong. Dislike I guess...) some really REALLY obscure things. I can almost categorize these things... but for the interest of time (and everyone's interest...) I'll stick to winter.

 

Some things I hate about winter:

• Shovelling - it's a good thing Dave loves this. Cuz I definitely don't.
• Scraping my car - remedied by starting my car 10 min before I want to go anywhere and blasting the heat.
• winter coats - I counted them yesterday... I think I own 5 or 6 of varying thicknesses/lengths
• washer fluid - actually, I hate this year round. I hate every aspect of it. Filling, running out, having to use it, buying it. Argh! I wish my car just somehow did that itself.
• Slush - who really likes it?

However, there are some things I absolutely love about winter too.

• Kicking the "road snot" off the bottom of the car. - Extra points if it all comes off in a huge clump
• snowboarding - self explanatory
• toboozing or even just tobogganing - with or without alcohol, either way it's awesome. Extra fun with you are tied behind a snowmobile
• those really cold nights when theres a full moon and everything glows - even though it's totally freezing it's so beautiful it doesn't matter.
• Doing donuts in empty parking lots - seriously, this is maybe one of my favourites.

I think we're definitely deeply into winter now. No more nice warm days. They tell me it's going to be a really really cold winter this year. Which is actually totally fine with me. I don't mind the really cold, it means it doesn't snow as much. And the less snow there is, the drier the roads are, which means less of me going into the ditch. Which - thankfully - hasn't happened yet this year.

An Attempt at Something New

It's been a long time since I actually updated my blog and I feel pretty bad about it. It's not that i haven't had things to say, it's just that I haven't found time to write about them. That and I'm a bit scared about posting from work. Which is where this emailing my posts comes in. I'm not really sure how it works, so we'll give it a go.

 

In terms of whats new with me...

 

Christmas shopping - I decided in Nov that I wasn't going to go to the mall if I didn't have to and set out on an excursion to get my gifts online. So far so good! Between that and re-gifting some gift cards I'm just about done my shopping.

 

Work - One job slows down and the other picks up. Working 60 hours this week and not overly excited about it. But it's MONEY, right?? I need that money for my travels next year!

 

Travels - I'm starting to plan my trip to Ireland, and thinking about my trip to Greece. I dont know what I have to plan for that... hmmmm....

 

 

Okay, really I guess I dont' have much to report. I had a bunch of thoughts earlier, but now they have escaped me.