Amazing how one thing can bring you down from feeling great to feeling like the scum of the earth.
I'm still having a hard time dealing with my "rejection" of the friend who's cut me out since I've returned home. We've recently started talking again, somewhat, but it's making it even harder on me. Harder in the sense that he's brought to light somethings about myself that I prefer to keep buried.
As I've said before, I went up to Ottawa this summer to clear my head, have a fresh start, all that fun stuff. But while I was there I was torn. Part of me was having fun with new people and stuff, but there was that part of me that wasn't letting go of everything back "home".
I don't even know how to explain the situation. Basically I pulled an Alanna and fucked shit up. Surprise surprise, isn't that what I always do? Put my feelings in front of others??
I know I do it, though it's never really a conscious thing. I don't set out to hurt people. Really I don't! It's just that I'm selfish and ultimately my happiness is what prevails. Thats what got me into the situation with Dave and thats what's got me into this situation now.
Does anyone remember THIS post? Apparently I should listen to my ramblings and not get myself involved!!
Why does me being happy always end up causing someone else's hurt? I guess I am just a selfish person...Sometimes that works out for me, sometimes it doesn't.
Is it possible to be selfish and not selfish all at once? I don't know. I think I have to start being more aware of how my actions affect others rather than just acting without consideration of consequence and assuming everyone else will pick up the pieces.
I feel like a horrible person tonight.
2 comments:
I'm going to say it. You ready? Heck, say it with me if you like. On the count of three. Three.
Oh, Alanna!!
Honestly, I know who you're talking about. I hope he reads this, because it needs to be said, he needs to read it: amigo, let it go. I mean honestly, what good is it giving Alanna a guilt trip? Does it make you feel better? Will it make the situation better? What kind of person does that make you? I know you're hurt, and it sucks. But you knew what the situation was BEFORE you got involved. Heck, even I knew that Alanna had unresolved feelings, and that this was a possibility. So it will take time to get over it... but you will. Just don't hurt others in the meantime.
And Alanna, are you reading this? Give yourself a break. I'm only going to say this to you once, and I don't want to have to come back and tell you this in two weeks time: you're human. You're not horrible. You're normal.
And you want to know something? You're the happiest I've known you to be in a long time. This is your second chance here, girl. You wanted it. I trust that you and Dave aren't so stupid that you'll stuff it up. :)
Fuck it. You gotta do what makes you happy. If that hurts someone else, well, that is unfortunate, but if making them happy makes you unhappy, you have done yourself no just.
Take others into consideration, but make yourself happy before anything else.
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