Life Changes

I am feeling very stagnant lately, like I need a new career, or at least something with some challenges and excitement. I'm not sure exactly what I would want to do. I've been checking out the colleges and what different ones offer in terms of programs and whatever but haven't been able to decide if any of them offer what I want.

 

Or maybe I don't know what I want.

 

I've been considering something in the medical field. Being a paramedic could be interesting, I wonder if I could do that. It would definitely be a challenge and I would be able to use my delagating and problem solving skills.

 

Downside to that whole idea is that I would have to start school all over again, for 2 more years. Get another student loan, get an upgraded drivers licence and have to do a whole bunch of stuff. However, I think paramedics make a good chunk of money... something like $25/h to start. Wouldn't be too bad. I'd get those loans paid off pretty quick I'd guess. And maybe I could have just one job. Hmm. Decisions decisions.

 

 

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On another note, my mom is back in the hospital. Her blood counts have been low and they have done a few more transfusions. She's been looking better than she has in a long time though, more colour back in her face and her ankles have gone down. They've been swollen for a while now.

 

Not entirely sure how long she'll be in the hospital for, but personally I think she's better off there than at home. She at least can get some rest without thinking about whats going on around home and attempting to get stuff done.

 

No word from the doctors on whether her treatments are helping. They've recently changed what drugs they are pumping her full of since the other chemo drugs weren't doing anything. Not sure when they will know if this new batch is helping or not.

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alanna foell : professional photographer : www.afphotography.cjb.net

A bit down

Feeling a bit down today...

 

As I'm sure I've stated before, my mom is undergoing her second attempt at defeating breast cancer. This time, however, it's a lot harder as she's also trying to mend her broken leg at the same time. She's been rendered pretty much useless, as the chemo treatments take a lot out of her and she can't really get around much as it is due to her leg. The whole thing has taken a lot out of the whole family and I think we're all feeling the effects.

 

My dad has taken on a lot of the "domestic" duties he's never had to do before, especially now that I'm not living at home. My brother doesn't help out at all, but rather stays out of the house instead.

 

The reason I'm feeling so down today though isn't about all that. It's more about the fact that I'm starting to feel like no one is telling me the full story. I got an email from my cousin the other day following her parent's visit to see my mom just saying how she's there for me etc. Then, hours later I got an email from my aunt saying that my dad was confiding in her, telling her that he's scared etc and that he's having a hard time dealing with it all. All this concern coming out of nowhere seems like theres something more to it than before.

 

My mom isn't one to tell people that she's scared. She's stubborn and determinded to do it herself. She feels she's protecting us from the severity of the situation by not telling us all thats going on, like her odds of beating this etc. My dad isn't one to belt out his feelings either, so the fact that he's struggling with all this is not something he's about to announce to the world. I don't know if they resent my not being around home more or what, but I'm sure it's there.

 

My mind goes in circles about whats going to happen. If my mom is to recover, it's going to be a long slow trek with I'm sure many bumps along the way. In some ways I feel my not being there is not the end of the world as my brother and dad need to learn to take care of themselves. Of course I'm always going to be around but I'm not ready to give up my whole life just as it's getting going to baby sit them for eternity. On the otherhand the thought of my mom not being around is terrifying and I honestly don't know how I would cope with it all. More than likely I'd shut myself off from the world. I'm not really much different from the rest of my family. I'll discuss "problems" til the cows come home but when it's a for-real-actual-serious problem I'd rather just deal with it all in my own quiet shut-out-the-world way.

 

I guess the hardest part is that there really isn't anything we can do to make this get better faster. It's not like there is a miracle solution thats available. We've got to wait it out and watch everything suck in the meantime.

 

I've decided that come spring I'm going to fundraise for breast cancer and shave my head. I figure the best thing I can do is help to raise money for the cause and eventually people will no longer suffer.

 

I've also decided that the minute I find a lump in either of my breasts I am chopping them off. They just aren't worth the trouble.

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alanna foell : professional photographer : www.afphotography.cjb.net