Feeling a bit down today...
As I'm sure I've stated before, my mom is undergoing her second attempt at defeating breast cancer. This time, however, it's a lot harder as she's also trying to mend her broken leg at the same time. She's been rendered pretty much useless, as the chemo treatments take a lot out of her and she can't really get around much as it is due to her leg. The whole thing has taken a lot out of the whole family and I think we're all feeling the effects.
My dad has taken on a lot of the "domestic" duties he's never had to do before, especially now that I'm not living at home. My brother doesn't help out at all, but rather stays out of the house instead.
The reason I'm feeling so down today though isn't about all that. It's more about the fact that I'm starting to feel like no one is telling me the full story. I got an email from my cousin the other day following her parent's visit to see my mom just saying how she's there for me etc. Then, hours later I got an email from my aunt saying that my dad was confiding in her, telling her that he's scared etc and that he's having a hard time dealing with it all. All this concern coming out of nowhere seems like theres something more to it than before.
My mom isn't one to tell people that she's scared. She's stubborn and determinded to do it herself. She feels she's protecting us from the severity of the situation by not telling us all thats going on, like her odds of beating this etc. My dad isn't one to belt out his feelings either, so the fact that he's struggling with all this is not something he's about to announce to the world. I don't know if they resent my not being around home more or what, but I'm sure it's there.
My mind goes in circles about whats going to happen. If my mom is to recover, it's going to be a long slow trek with I'm sure many bumps along the way. In some ways I feel my not being there is not the end of the world as my brother and dad need to learn to take care of themselves. Of course I'm always going to be around but I'm not ready to give up my whole life just as it's getting going to baby sit them for eternity. On the otherhand the thought of my mom not being around is terrifying and I honestly don't know how I would cope with it all. More than likely I'd shut myself off from the world. I'm not really much different from the rest of my family. I'll discuss "problems" til the cows come home but when it's a for-real-actual-serious problem I'd rather just deal with it all in my own quiet shut-out-the-world way.
I guess the hardest part is that there really isn't anything we can do to make this get better faster. It's not like there is a miracle solution thats available. We've got to wait it out and watch everything suck in the meantime.
I've decided that come spring I'm going to fundraise for breast cancer and shave my head. I figure the best thing I can do is help to raise money for the cause and eventually people will no longer suffer.
I've also decided that the minute I find a lump in either of my breasts I am chopping them off. They just aren't worth the trouble.
2 comments:
Aww, honey. I don't think any of us have the whole story. For all our talking, we stink at getting down to the real nitty-gritty details. At least, across generations.
I don't think she's doing too hot, from what I know. Perhaps people are more scared this time, as she didn't seem so badly affected by treatment last time.
I think everyone's afraid for the worst case scenario, and trying to acknowledge it, while still hoping for the best...so if the worst does come, we maybe won't be caught as off guard.
You made plans to move before any of this happened...you can't be faulted for living your life. And you're only an hour away...it may mean you have to commute home more than originally planned...but everyone's always happy to see you, whether they show it directly or not.
Next time you go home, see if you can sit down with your Mom and a cup of tea or something, and say that you want to talk, you want to know what's going on, so you can know how better to help, and what you're all facing in the coming months.
*hugs* text me if you want to talk and I can come online after W is in bed most nights.
Thanks, I know you're always there for me. It's terrifying, not knowing what to do...
The hard part about talking is that the minute I start trying to talk about it all my eyes fill up with tears and I turn red in the face and then turn into a sniffling heap that can't make out words anyway.
I'm going to make as much effort as possible and get home to spend time with her...
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