So, it's official - I'm turning in my girl card. Boys just do not have the same amount of troubles as girls do, nor do they have to endure the things girls do in order to be sure they are healthy.
After a year of wanting to get it done, I finally went in to get an IUD inserted. I am sick of the pill and want some type of birth control that doesn't require thought. After a zillion doctors over the last couple years I finally was at the point where I held the little box in my hand and presented it to the doctor and said "alright, put it in!"
It was supposed to be that easy.
However, as is the case with all my down-below experiences, it was not. It never is. Why? Well, my junk is apparently just that. Junk. Always fricking broken. God.
Remember this? Allie's story about why people should get the Gardisil vaccine instead of ending up like her. Well, that story leads into this...
The whole procedure started out awkward enough with the med student there watching on as the doctor explained what he was doing in extra detail. He explained the IUD and how it has strings. They like to cut the strings long, "so they just float around like wobbly spaghetti" (his words, not mine) because if they cut them short that they can be kinda pokey "which some partners don't really like". Hmm. No kidding. I'm sure guys would love the idea of being poked while doing it! After that, it was the standard lay on your back, feet in the stirrups routine. Warn the student not to insert speculum into wrong hole? Check. Look! Thats a cervix! Check. Swab the inside of me with a scratchy brush to make sure I don't get an infection? Sign me up!
And then things took a weird turn.. he goes "Have you ever had surgery on your cervix before?" and I said yeah, a couple years ago. And he goes "Hmm..." and not in a "well, that's interesting" kinda way. More in a "well, that's not good" kinda way.
So then he stops and says "We can't do this today..." and proceeds to explain that my fantastic cervix, whom I almost feel needs a name since it gets talked about so often, has healed up and has scar tissue pretty much making it closed. If he were to try to put the IUD in, I would probably be in paid akin to child birth. GREAT.
Thankfully my doctor is a nice guy and he went onto explain that all hope is not lost - I have the option to be put under and they will manually dilate my cervix. That's right. It's so painful that they knock you out. AWESOME. The whole thing is called a hysteroscopy. Look it up. Not fun sounding. At least he didn't use binocular action like the other doc doing my colopscopy did.
What's with me and various "scopy" treatments in the nether regions...
So now I have to make the decision whether it's worth my while to undergo minor surgery to have a piece of plastic with copper wrapped around it inserted into my uterus. Easiest form of birth control ever? Yes. Cheapest over the long run? Heck yes! ($11.99/60 months = 20c a month!) Worth being knocked out so the doctor can torture your insides? debatable..
Ack! Why me!?
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