Walking Into The Wind

I'm feeling strange tonight. Well, maybe most of the day. I feel like no matter what I'm trying to do, what progress I'm trying to make, it's like I'm walking into the wind... each step is a struggle and it's one step forward, two steps back.

It may have started with an email today that was meant to be encouraging, but instead I took it as my point was being missed.

YES. I like to dwell on things. THAT'S just who I am.. but it's a hobby of mine!!! Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I am a drama queen. I make up drama. ALL the time. And it's worse when I'm bored or feeling stuck. Like now.

I seem to have a rotating roster of things to think about lately, most are non-issues with no definitive end, but rather things that are "problems" of the moment... like "Is he gay? Cuz that would explain a lot... except for that other night" or "Even though I'm leaving, why won't that guy I met the other day call?" or maybe "oh my god, I hope I never see that weirdo dude that stopped me on my bike the other day ever again".

One of my favorites has got to be "Will I ever be truly over ______". Or "Does _______ ever think of me?" And possibly "Can I move on not knowing what will happen?"

Sometimes I think I'm afraid to move on. I think I'll never meet someone that will fill that void (for lack of a better word). And if I meet someone, what will happen down the road? But then theres days where I am ready to move on, I see a reason to move on, and something happens that prevents me from that... someone tells me I'm not ready.

It's a catch 22. And it's driving me nuts.

I got an email last week that didn't really say anything, but said it all, and then I get one today that made me feel like maybe my intentions are being misinterpreted. "Live your life" it said... THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO!!! My "life" is complicated... and that's because I create complicated situations so that I have something to do. It's who I am!

I meet someone, the first person in a long time that might have potential... and the person who initially encouraged it is now blocking the way because she's afraid my inability to get over something will hurt this person. "You're leaving, so what's the point?" "I'm coming back," I say, "and I just want to get to know him, I'm not saying I want to marry him!"...

For a few days I've been sad that I'm leaving for Ottawa... but I think I'm back to being glad I'm going. Fresh start, right?

ई'म गोइंग तो टाईप थिस सेंटेंस इन हिंदी... मय नामे इस अलान्ना। ई ऍम अ ड्रामा कुईं।

PS: Vindication from my horoscope: You seem more erratic now, for your emotions are very close to the surface. You are likely showing more of yourself than you even realize, and the sudden shifts are reflected in not-so-subtle ways as quickly as your moods change. It's not necessary to be in total control. Try letting those close to you know that you are moving through some rough waters and could use their support.