Not really sure what to say...

Amazing how one thing can bring you down from feeling great to feeling like the scum of the earth.

I'm still having a hard time dealing with my "rejection" of the friend who's cut me out since I've returned home. We've recently started talking again, somewhat, but it's making it even harder on me. Harder in the sense that he's brought to light somethings about myself that I prefer to keep buried.

As I've said before, I went up to Ottawa this summer to clear my head, have a fresh start, all that fun stuff. But while I was there I was torn. Part of me was having fun with new people and stuff, but there was that part of me that wasn't letting go of everything back "home".

I don't even know how to explain the situation. Basically I pulled an Alanna and fucked shit up. Surprise surprise, isn't that what I always do? Put my feelings in front of others??

I know I do it, though it's never really a conscious thing. I don't set out to hurt people. Really I don't! It's just that I'm selfish and ultimately my happiness is what prevails. Thats what got me into the situation with Dave and thats what's got me into this situation now.

Does anyone remember THIS post? Apparently I should listen to my ramblings and not get myself involved!!

Why does me being happy always end up causing someone else's hurt? I guess I am just a selfish person...Sometimes that works out for me, sometimes it doesn't.

Is it possible to be selfish and not selfish all at once? I don't know. I think I have to start being more aware of how my actions affect others rather than just acting without consideration of consequence and assuming everyone else will pick up the pieces.

I feel like a horrible person tonight.

Love vs Hate

I'm a freak, I know this. I hate (well, maybe thats too strong. Dislike I guess...) some really REALLY obscure things. I can almost categorize these things... but for the interest of time (and everyone's interest...) I'll stick to winter.

 

Some things I hate about winter:

• Shovelling - it's a good thing Dave loves this. Cuz I definitely don't.
• Scraping my car - remedied by starting my car 10 min before I want to go anywhere and blasting the heat.
• winter coats - I counted them yesterday... I think I own 5 or 6 of varying thicknesses/lengths
• washer fluid - actually, I hate this year round. I hate every aspect of it. Filling, running out, having to use it, buying it. Argh! I wish my car just somehow did that itself.
• Slush - who really likes it?

However, there are some things I absolutely love about winter too.

• Kicking the "road snot" off the bottom of the car. - Extra points if it all comes off in a huge clump
• snowboarding - self explanatory
• toboozing or even just tobogganing - with or without alcohol, either way it's awesome. Extra fun with you are tied behind a snowmobile
• those really cold nights when theres a full moon and everything glows - even though it's totally freezing it's so beautiful it doesn't matter.
• Doing donuts in empty parking lots - seriously, this is maybe one of my favourites.

I think we're definitely deeply into winter now. No more nice warm days. They tell me it's going to be a really really cold winter this year. Which is actually totally fine with me. I don't mind the really cold, it means it doesn't snow as much. And the less snow there is, the drier the roads are, which means less of me going into the ditch. Which - thankfully - hasn't happened yet this year.

An Attempt at Something New

It's been a long time since I actually updated my blog and I feel pretty bad about it. It's not that i haven't had things to say, it's just that I haven't found time to write about them. That and I'm a bit scared about posting from work. Which is where this emailing my posts comes in. I'm not really sure how it works, so we'll give it a go.

 

In terms of whats new with me...

 

Christmas shopping - I decided in Nov that I wasn't going to go to the mall if I didn't have to and set out on an excursion to get my gifts online. So far so good! Between that and re-gifting some gift cards I'm just about done my shopping.

 

Work - One job slows down and the other picks up. Working 60 hours this week and not overly excited about it. But it's MONEY, right?? I need that money for my travels next year!

 

Travels - I'm starting to plan my trip to Ireland, and thinking about my trip to Greece. I dont know what I have to plan for that... hmmmm....

 

 

Okay, really I guess I dont' have much to report. I had a bunch of thoughts earlier, but now they have escaped me.

Speedy Gonzales

I have to learn to take the pedal off the metal... because it's getting me into trouble!!

I got my 3rd speeding ticket this year the other day... and then got pulled over again (but no ticket) about 12 hours later!! As if thats even possible!! I was lucky that second time, I just got a warning, but now I'm pretty much scared shitless!!!

For the record, the second time I was pulled over was because I drove past a cop on the side of the road and didn't change lanes. It's now a law to change lanes when an emergency vehicle is on the side of the road, and I didn't. Or wasn't able to. But I wasn't speeding.

My insurance is going to be crazy high next year, I'm not looking forward to it at ALL. I wonder if theres a way to lower it. Maybe even taking my car off the road for a bit would help, I don't know.

It's cruise control for this kid for the next while. I have GOT to learn to control it somehow!!!

Clutter Slob

I'm so bad for letting things pile up in my room. On any surface, really. Instead of throwing things out, I put them on the table/couch/bed until I have "a minute" to go through them. All it really does is create a mountain of things that block my view when I'm watching tv and most of it ends up in the garbage eventually anyway.

Last night I'd had enough of the mountain, and resolved to go through it. I started throwing out old bills/letters etc that I didn't have any use for and eventually was left with a table full of random things that don't have a home and no recollection of how they got there in the first place.

Here is the list... can you find them in the picture?

ipod case, ipod charger, post it notes, camera case, 2 wallets, roll of undeveloped film, pack of tiny playing cards, empty pill bottle, book I borrowed from a friend close to 5 years ago and haven't finished or returned, nailpolish remover, bra accessories, glass negative circa 1923, a piece of cork, name tag, manicure kit, dvds I haven't finished watching, bobby pins, gimp bracelet, necklace in soft case, scissors, jostens id, saw that I used to cut the legs on Dragon's loft, hair elastics, toe ring, picture of friends from grade 12, pad of notes I made, buttons from the last 5 pairs of pants I've bought, comb, biore nose strip, 120 film reel used for developing b+w film, wrench, headband, headphones, pen, lip gloss, the orange stick that came with the waxing kit I bought a month or 2 ago, a couple necklaces...

I'm sure theres more... and keeping in mind this was AFTER removing all the paper/reciepts, bills etc, I consider this a job well done!!!

Subtle Rejection

I'm not a mean person. Well, not in the sense that I purposely try to hurt people. I'm honest, yes, and sometimes maybe this hurts people, but I don't set out to hurt anyone's feelings.

I realized today that someone I thought was my friend, a close one at that, has removed me from both his MSN list and his Facebook (and we all know that if it's on facebook, it MUST be real).

Now, I'm still deciding why this bothers me. I think it's because I don't like to be disliked. If we had had a fight or something I would more understand the avoiding communication. But I haven't done anything at all to purposely make him cut off contact.

I'm fairly certain it's got to do with my recent happiness, my life falling back into place. But I refuse to feel bad for being happy. If he had been paying attention, none of this would have come as a surprise. I never hid how I felt about the person I'm with now. In fact, I was accused of having unresolved exboyfriend issues by the person who's cut me out. Is it my fault I've resolved them!?

I don't do rejection well. That I know. I think I'm a pretty nice person, and I have a hard time grasping why someone wouldn't like me. (I'm also modest, for all those following along).. and so this is hard for me.

Maybe he'll come around, I don't know. Or at least man-up and bring it up with me instead of playing the avoidance card. Cuz I know that avoiding things doesn't make it go away.

If you're reading this, friend, I'm sorry if I've rubbed this all in your face, that was far from my intention.

Bliss

This will sound totally mushy, that I'm aware of.. but I'm in that kinda mood right now...

I had a fantastic weekend away in Toronto. It was a weekend of reunion, romance, surprises, sillyness, all the things that make "us" Us.

You know all those things I wrote about missing a while back? They've all been returned to me, and I find myself wondering if it's all a dream. But I know that it's all just the way the world wants things to go.

It was so reassuring to know that I wasn't imagining things this last year, when I would get emails and obsess over a line here, a line there, telling myself not to over-think it, but doing precisely that. But now I know that all those things I thought were accurate. And that only reinforces in my head that it's all meant to be.

Being told that when the future was thought of it was me that was the person who was in all the thoughts, that was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard. And I was given a cd with all these songs that are representative of everything, songs like Hello I'm in Delaware, I Miss you, True Love Waits, Until Later.

I'm still so in awe... all is well in the world.

Someone's watching

Today was pretty interesting, but yet I feel like I can't even talk about it based on the nature of the subject... I guess the only thing I can say is long story short my blog got me into trouble because of my unedited, purely self-indulgent way of writing.

Something I had written about something I did (told you I feel I can't even write about it) was found by the people who weren't really even involved, and everything I said was taken the wrong way. Granted, I was probably in the wrong for having used names in previous posts, but those posts were not derogatory in any way (those posts have since been edited and names removed).

While I see both sides of the whole thing, really I think it was a bit over-the-top as anything I have written was in no way directed at the people who saw it. Anyone who reads this blog knows how I write: rambling, as thoughts pour out of my brain, and unedited. I'm not a bad person, and I wouldn't jeopardize something I really enjoy for my rambling thoughts.

So dear readers, I guess expect more vague entries unless I'm talking about some mundane object or something weird that happened because there are people out there who care more about what I write than I do.

I feel like I should have a disclaimer for my blog.... but if you read the whole paragraph under the title, that should explain it enough!!!

Floating

Ever felt like all of your hardwork and patience might actually pay off? It's funny, of all the things I've done with myself, I never thought I would get that feeling from something so simple as a second chance at something.

I've spent the better half of the last year and a half without the person I realized too late was who I can only consider to be my soul mate... someone who understands the things I say, can answer my questions when I haven't even asked them, and still gives me butterflies in my stomach when I see their name in my inbox. A person that understands the humour behind the word "larvee" and "Chomp'd!"

I was stupid once, and took all that for granted... and there was a time when I thought I had lost it all. I tried to fill that void, but it always wasn't quite full. I said that I wasn't waiting, but I was... at least part of me was.

I've always wanted one of those stories, you know the ones... the story that, when someone tells you about how they met, or got together you get a tear in your eye and you say "awww". My grandparents had one of those stories... they met and then spent the better part of 5 years apart, as my grandfather was in the war. They wrote letters to each other everyday while apart, and when my grandfather returned to Canada, they got married 2 weeks later. They spent the next 52 years together, until my grandfather passed away.

And now maybe I have one of those stories... it was one of those stories before all that has happened, but now it's only better.

I'm still nervous though. Nervous that it won't all work... nervous that I'll make the same mistakes again.

But right now I'm really enjoying this feeling... that "new love" feeling, but it's easier than that, because I know this person like I know myself... I love this flirting, the anticipation, the not knowing what will happen.

Someone please dont burst my bubble, I don't wanna come back down

Calgary here, Calgary there...

So far Calgary has been good... yesterday we went to the zoo, and today we are venturing downtown to see what Calgary's core has to offer.

Pictures:
Bits and Pieces
Calgary Zoo


More to come!!

The Adventure Begins!

Here I am, safely in Calgary at Camille's place....

We arrived last night around 11 Calgary time (so about 1am home-time) after a 4 hour flight.

The flight itself was interesting, and I got my first taste of what it's like to travel with a toddler. With us went : car seat, stroller, Meg's giant suitcase, my backpacking backpack from Oz, and a big backpack each. We couldn't check in online and so we had to lug all our stuff to the check in desk and the oversized luggage area.

We were able to check in first due to having a baby with us, and we had to leave the stroller at the door. We were instructed upon sitting down how to hold a baby during taxi and take off (in the burping position, apparently. Clearly these people don't have babies. Theres no way you can hold a 14 month old like this successfully for more than 2 minutes). In the long run I ended up holding Wylie on my lap and pointing out the window at the lights. He did great in terms of take off, didn't cry at all.

It took about an hour and a half until he fell asleep and the only real way of getting him to sleep was for me to hold him with my leg propped up on the seat in front of me so that I was something of a reclining bed. This worked great until I realized I was starving and wanted to eat. I had put the apples Aunt Jane had sent with us on the far side of me, between me and the wall of the plane. The wraps were in the pocket in front of me. So theres Meg, reaching around me, under my leg and to the far side of me, all the while we aren't really talking because we don't want to wake up Wylie... and then theres me, one arm pinned under Wylie, kinda trying to eat with my free hand, but I can't really do much... it was amusing over all.

He slept most of the way, which was good. Finally got to Cam's and settled in around 1am (C-Time) where I promptly went to bed. Today has been rather surreal, as things are familiar and yet totally not all at once. We went to the mall and wandered about... and we went for a drive into downtown Calgary... took a few pictures which I will put up soon.

Tomorrow is the ZOO!! I'm going to the zoo, zoo, zoo... you can come too too too... Lots of pictures will follow.

Weeee!

I'm not really sure where to start in regards to all thats been going on in the last 24 hours... but I'll just leave it to say that it's been good, life feels like it's fallen back into place, and while my head is still spinning at what's been going on I've got a week to let things settle into their proper places.

Funny how one can pick up where they left off...and it doesn't really seem strange at all. History is repeating itself and it's up to me to remember to not let the same things happen again.

Only a few hours stand between me and a week off work, visiting Camille in Calgary. I'm quite excited... expect lots of pictures to come.

Found Poem....

Last night I was having a conversation with someone about things written a long while ago and past memories and stuff like that... and this poem came to mind... it hung on my wall for more than 3 years...I didn't write it, it was written for me after perhaps the best mistake I ever made...

we lie wrapped around each other, and compensate to
breathe in sync -- you are all I hear
content to be still, but concede to the other's wish
for motion -- you are all I feel
your hair hangs across my face and tickles, but I
don't push it aside -- you are all I smell
your hair slides past my face as you press your
lips to mine -- you are all I taste
with no ego, our eyes meet, and you are all I
see.

Trucker Game

Does anyone else remember this game from elementary school:
http://www.classic-pc-games.com/pc/educational/cross_country_canada.html

I found a new version... it's almost as awesome
http://www.thuleroadtrip.com/thule_trail/thuleTrail.html


I think maybe only the rural school kids remember the trucker game.... because they were the ones destined to become truckers

Creepy Guys In The Dark

I dont know how I get to be so lucky, but I think I can count about 4 times that random dudes have stopped me on the street to talk to me and tell me something like "You're pretty".

I just don't get it, I wouldn't stop someone I thought was attractive on the street and ask them if they have a girlfriend, or would they like to be my boyfriend. Thats just odd. But it seems that the random people that stop me find this perfectly acceptable!!

Tonight I was walking across the downtown of Ottawa and walking along text messaging someone and listening to my iPod. All of a sudden, some random guy comes out of the shadows and starts walking in step with me. I kinda turn to acknowledge him and he smiles at me and he's like "You're really pretty" so I said thanks, and looked away. But he didn't go away. He starts telling me that he saw me across the street and wanted to come over and tell me that I was attractive or something to that effect.

We're both still walking at this point. I pulled one headphone out of an ear and I look at him, and he's still talking and he's like "I was just wondering if you have a boyfriend" and I'm like "Yeah, I do...." (which is a total lie, but like I need random scary in the dark dude knowing that) and he's like "well, thats alright, he's a lucky guy. You're beautiful" and again I'm like "Thanks...." and put my headphone back in my ear and keep walking, staying in well lit areas and texting as many people as possible!!

I've had random people stop me on the street and tell me we should date before, but sorry random guys, I'm not about to date people who talk to me on the street!!!! Weirdly enough, I think they have all been my height. Strange.

Even in the summer I had some randomn guy downtown stop me and ask me to the movies before he even told me his name!! And then there was the dude in the summer who stopped his car to say we should hang out. To all the random weirdos out there: thanks for thinking I'm attractive, it's nice to know someone pays attention, but I'm not going to date you.

I just found this article on Digg.... I think that dude last night may have read it and was feeling pumped : http://www.ehow.com/how_2094811_talk-girls-street.html

Waiting

I'm waiting for something.

I don't know what I'm waiting for, I've just been told to wait, to be patient and something will happen.

It's like knowing you'll be surprised, but the surprise is that you don't know when you'll get something and the something you get will also be a surprise. Maybe like knowing someone will be throwing you a surprise party, but you don't know when and you don't know who might show up.

It's an unnerving feeling.

And man, I'm impatient... though I know that if I want the good things to come to me (or things in general I suppose) I have to work on that. Cuz maybe it's something I've been waiting a long time for? I have no idea.

I wish I could see into the future... though I guess that would take all the fun outta it. Maybe I really am getting a surprise party :P

Here, There, Everywhere!

When I walk outta work today at 3 starts 2 weeks of being everywhere.

Tonight I'm heading to Toronto to celebrate Sartaj's birthday. It'll be awesome fun times, I'm sure.... I'm gonna wear my awesome shirt that I made (pictures will follow, but to describe it: a muted teal colour, strapless, thick band at top and bottom, cut out in back that shows off my tattoos) and heels. Hahaha. I'm only reporting this because I think it's so amusing that I'm dressing up for this event. I don't really have any real reason to dress up other than it's been a while since I have.

I don't have to work tomorrow, which is nice. Will be coming back from Toronto and going to a baby shower with Trishelle... then home to grab my stuff and back to the 'Loo to catch Airways Transit to the airport where I'm getting on a plane and flying to Ottawa.

I'll be in Ottawa all week for (name removed) Training, I really hope it's not lame. I'm sure I'll learn lots, and that is good, but I think I've realized that I just dont really do school anymore!! I get bored and fidgety when I have to sit still for a long period of time and attempt to absorb information. But it should be alright. Staying in a hotel, they've given me money and I'm gettting paid for it, so what else can I say?? I'm getting a free trip to Ottawa, I'll hopefully get to see friends and family and I don't have to pay for it!!!

I'm in Ottawa until Friday night, and then I have Sat off. Whoot! That means I should probably pack my stuff for Calgary...hmmm... yeah, right. We all know how I go about packing.

Sunday I have to work 12-5 and then after work I'm back in my car, driving to Toronto to meet my cousin Meg and Wylie, and get back on a plane and fly to Calgary to see Camille!! I am so excited, I can't wait. I hope Wylie is okay with the flight... I can't imagine how scary it must be for a little guy like him to get on a plane and take off.

I'm in Calgary until the 29th, and then it's back to work for me. I think we're going to go on a road trip while we're out there, which will be fun! I wanna see mountains, dammit!!!

And there goes the month of Oct!

Only 40 min left of work for the day, and then home I must go to pack up my stuff for Ottawa, and get ready to go to Toronto and rock out!

Who Actually Reads This?

I'm curious to know who are my regular visitors... I know people read the stuff I write all the time, but I'm not entirely sure who you all are!

Leave me a comment! Just let me know you've been by!

Strawberry Fields Forever

Just wanted to quick say that the movie Across the Universe was fantastic... read a review HERE

I've realized that I really like musicals... especially ones that are so well done. This one was fantastic. There were a few weird parts that I wasn't sure were needed, but the way the whole movie was done with Beatles songs worked into the dialogue and different characters singing the songs, it was just stunning.

I'd go see it again, I really enjoyed it. I'm downloading the soundtrack as I write this.


And it didn't help my wanting for someone to love me... see the post right before this one for that rambling.

All I need is love...

I hate when I get contemplative, overthinking things and dwelling on the same subjects over and over. My mind becomes a broken record and I don't have a way to pick up the needle and stop the cycle.

I miss being loved. I miss having that feeling of knowing someone is thinking of me. When I have a bad day and can pick up the phone and just say "today sucked" and theres someone who cares. Or I can go over to their house unexpectedly and know my presence will be welcome.

I miss having someone that will come up behind me, wrap their arms around me and rest their head on mine. Someone to curl up beside in bed, lay with my legs over and just talk to for hours. Someone who looks after me when I'm sick, tucks me into bed and lays with me until I fall asleep. Someone with whom the words come easily and there is never an awkward moment.

I miss planning that future that never actually happened, asking "what do you think of the name __________" for that child that might never exist. Saying "In our house we've got to have this..." or planning trips to far off places.

For a year and a half now, I haven't had these things. Theres been people to come close, somewhat, but no one really has hit the mark. It was either temporary or never quite reached that level. I wonder when I will again. And will it be with that same person? Or if that same person re-enters my life, would it be the same? Different? Better? Worse? I don't know. I can't easily find out.

I miss having romance in my life. I can go out and meet as many people as I want, but none of them bring romance and love into my life. I fantasize about someone sweeping me off my feet... someone walking in the door at my work, with flowers in hand, with plans to do something unexpected. Someone who's willing to bring all that that I'm missing back into my life.

I wonder if it will happen. Unfortunately, theres nothing I can do to make it happen for me.

I try, and I try, and yet I can't win

It was an A-Team night last night ... and boy was it ever.

It started out that we were going to go to this buck and doe so that she could see this guy that she wants. When I got to her place though, she decided that she didn't want to go, so we stood around her kitchen with her roomates and drank a drink before going to Mo's.

Then we went to the bar, and it was quiet. Which was fine, it usually picks up as the night progresses. Saw some of the usual suspects....

At some point she gets a call from "R" (I can't remember if I've used his name before, and I really don't feel like going back through old entries to find out), who is, if you remember, the guy I met before going up to Ottawa for the summer. He was the one that was kinda goofy and I was slightly interested in. But then, you might also remember, we went on a date, and I never heard from him again. *shakes head*.

So apparently Ange tells him that I'm at the bar, and he should come out and say hi to me and apologize for everything. So he does. It's too bad about before though, because I am just not interested now. The magic of that situation has worn off. His excuse for not calling me? "You lived far away and I'm not good with emailing and stuff. I didn't want to get involved long distance" My response? "Dude, I wasn't looking for a relationship. You could have at least phoned me." So then he proceeds to try to make up for 3 months of being a dumbass. It was kinda annoying though, he's trying soooo hard to be attentive, but it was smothering and I found myself trying to keep my distance.

What else happens? I got into a heart to heart style convo with the new girlfriend of an old boyfriend. Which was fine, I know her from way back and it was good to chat... And she let me in on some info that has caused my brain to go into overload since last night, but thats fine, thats what my brain does.

In actuality, this last event was rather important, but I'm not going to go into details about it. Though I do have to point this fact out. She asked me what a doppelganger was and I started laughing as it was in reference to a recent Facebook status name... and I said "it's like an evil twin"... and then today I looked up the definition of the word on wikipedia and it gave me this:

The doppelgängers of folklore cast no shadow, and have no reflection in a mirror or in water. They are supposed to provide advice to the person they shadow, but this advice can be misleading or malicious. They can also, in rare instances, plant ideas in their victim's mind or appear before friends and relatives, causing confusion. In many cases once someone has viewed his own doppelgänger he is doomed to be haunted by images of his ghostly counterpart.

Which caused me to laugh because though it's taken in the wrong context, it still is amazingly accurate. I am haunted by my doppelganger. Anyway......back to my story...

So after the bar shut down and my heart to heart was brought to an end I went out in the parking lot (half trying to avoid R because we know I'd rather run away from my problems than deal directly with the) and this woman comes up to me, threatening me and telling me I "better not fuck with so-and-so" and she's all up in my face, except she's shorter than me and I'm not really sure what to do because I'm not an aggressive person... so I just kinda stared at her and hoped that she's go away. Eventually someone pulled her away and tried to calm her down... and I hadn't done anything. I started walking away, and what happens? She comes up behind me and is going off again!! It was so weird. They pulled her away again and I just kinda booked it to my car without saying much, because what was there to say?

I told Ange I'd drive her back to her house, and I was originally going to stay at her house, but then she decided to invite this guy back and if I wasn't going to be able to sleep safely in her room, I wasn't about to want to sleep on her couch for fear that her roomie was going to hit on me, because he's kinda annoying and I just was not interested in fighting him off. As I was leaving to take her home, R says he wants to go for coffee or something, and I figured that I should probably have a coffee before driving back home at what would be close to 4am. After I dropped her off I went back to the bar and picked R up because I can't just say no. So we sat at Tim Horton's and had awkward conversation and I had nothing to say, because frankly I gave up being interested a while ago. I gave him a ride home and then continued on to my house. In the misty rainy dark, without my glasses on because brilliant me didn't put them on before leaving in the first place.

And, of course, I got home and decided it would be a great idea to email a certain someone. And send it. I have to stop doing that because it's just tacky. And if I can't say these things when I'm sober and thinking properly, then I shouldn't say them when alcohol has been involved. (I'm loving the word involved lately... it's the word du jour)...

Then, to top all of this off, I didn't go to bed til at least 4 am... And then proceeded to wake up at 7:30. Wide awake, half an hour before my alarm was due to go off. That just annoyed me.

My whole night was under the premise of "I'm going out, but I'm going to behave myself" and I did, behave myself that is... but yet all this drama surrounds my life. I wonder if you can get lung fish (inside joke) for your life. Don't worry, I don't actually want to drink lung fish.

A Struggle To Keep From Being Me

I'm known for my penchant to drama. I've stopped trying to convince myself that this is not the case. Besides, it's not my fault, it's genetic. It has been suggested to me that I should officially change my name to O. Alanna Foell. "O" being short for Oh. Obviously.

I'm sure there is nothing at all disruptive going on in my life. The only disruption is me myself. And I'm struggling to keep that from being the case.

DDay passed without much hurrah. I was out of town when it occured but I was made aware that it happened. I'm anxious and nervous to see him again, and I wonder if he feels the same. My over active imagination has led me to believe all kinds of things.

I've been warned that if I want anything good to come to my life (hahah, thats just me being dramatic again) then I have to stay away from Alanna style trouble. No getting involved with someone or something I'm not willing to commit myself to.

And yet, trouble seems to seek me out!!! I'm unsure of how to take things, percieve possible harmless encounters as having romantic connotations...

(Hahaha and as I write this, in my efforts to protect names realize that writing vaguely but with details is quite difficult)

And me being a natural flirt does nothing to help my situation! I bring it all on myself...

Oh, how I wish my life would hurry up and sort itself out! And yet thats not really in my control...

Death Race

So this past weekend was the big bike race that I was "training" for. It was good, but I have to admit, I was totally scared the days leading up to it. I was worried about sucking it up and not pulling through for the team, and scared I was going to mangle myself and just general pre-race paranoia..

I went to Toronto friday night, Meg and Wylie were coming down for the weekend and I wanted to spend as much time with them as I could. I also wanted to be able to get up a bit later and not have to drive for 2 hours in the morning and then have to bike all day. So, I left at about 7:45, and arrived at the race site at 9am. It was happening just past Barrie at a place called Hardwood Hills, about an hour and a bit from my aunt and uncle's house at the north end of Toronto. I had to pull over part way up highway 400 to double check my hood which is currently being held closed with a bungee cord. I had visions of the hood flying up, smashing the windshield and me not being able to drive etc etc etc. On my drive up I passed a bunch of cars and trucks with hardcore mountain bikes attached to them.

I had no idea what to expect of the race, and pulling in the gates at the site I was ready to back out. Kate found me and I parked my car, wrestled my bike out of the backseat and took the packaging off my brand new bike helmet. (I hate bike helments. I doubt I'll even wear the one I bought again.) And then we waited.

Leah was running late, and then stuck in traffic (there was an accident on the road just after I went by. I think a bunch of bikes fell off someone's truck). While we were waiting we kinda walked around and checked out the whole thing. I had to sign a waiver and give them $5 for some "insurance" or something. I don't know exactly what. All I know is I paid 5 bucks for a blue sticker that went on the number plate on my bike. Not quite sure what that was about.

Kate was going first, and then Ange, and then me and then Leah. When 10am rolled around and Kate was leaving to go, we walked down to the start of the race and it was explained to me how it would all happen. Basically, we would bike up this hill, and then when we were done our lap, have to dismount at the checkpoint, take this little magnet and place it on this reader so that it would record our time and then pass the magnet off to the next person, who would run up this hill, get back on their bike and go down a bit of a hill and up the giant hill.

Kate did 2 laps her first go, and then Ange went and then it was my turn. I was ready for Ange when she got back, and I grabbed the time chip and grabbed my bike and ran up the hill. My heart was pounding and I was biking like a mad woman. Kate had suggested I keep my bike in the easiest gear so thats what I did. I was so revved up for the race that I started out going so hard and I was hyperventilating and it sucked SO much. I thought I was going to die. I've never huffed and puffed so much, I just couldn't breathe normally at all. There I was, slowly making my way up the hill (a long, gradual incline with loose woodchips and sand), sounding like I was going to have a heart attack, telling myself in my head to just breathe normally, and so I'd try to concentrate on breathing but that was hard while also concentrating on biking... I ended up walking a fair amount of the first major hill.

Despite the crazy scary beginning of the race, I had a blast once I was on the actual trails. It was a lot of single track snaking through the trees, up and down hills, with rocks and stumps in the way. I realized I really love the single track stuff, it's like a rollercoaster. The thrill of whipping your bike around tight corners is super exhilarating. Fully explains why my body is so sore today too, yanking the handlebars side to side..

I made it through my first lap in 50 min, and I was half tempted to go for another lap right away, but when I saw Leah waiting for me at the finish line I decided I'd much rather get off my bike and take a rest.

The second lap was so much easier for a couple reasons. I at least knew the trail this time and knew what to expect. I also decided to bike in 2nd gear instead of first, as this is what I am more used to. I tend to climb hills standing up on the bike, not sitting. I've always done it this way. I actually really prefer keeping my bike in the hardest gear. I don't know if it's a mental thing or what, but I like to have to work to climb the big hills. So, with that in mind, I took off on my second lap in second gear and remembered to not put all my effort into the first bit. I then used my whole body strength to get up the hill without getting off my bike, and then the next couple as well. I still huffed and puffed, but felt so much more comfortable biking.

I finished the second lap in 45 min, so that made me feel good. As a team we did 9 laps in the 8 hours, which isn't too bad at all. Technically we only raced 7 hours and 40 min (we didn't have time to do another lap before the end of the race.) If my math is correct, that averages out to be about 11.74 km an hour. (Crap... I was trying to figure out how fast I personally went, but now my math skills have left me...if you can figure out how fast I was going, please let me know!!)...

I was so exhausted after the race yesterday, and this morning felt like I had got hit by a truck. But the experience itself was awesome. I came away with a few scratches and a few bruises, but nothing compared to what I thought I might get.
...

And now it's getting late and I really should end this...

Choose Your Own Adventure

Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure novels that used to be around in the 90s? I remember reading them when I was maybe 10 or so, maybe younger. I never really either loved or hated them..... not as a whole. I loved the fact that I could have different options, but I hated when I picked a shitty one and the book ended on a crap note.

Thus, I started reading them backwards, more or less. I'd read the first little bit, but then I'd get bored and read the endings first. And then I'd pick my favourite and see if I could get there by reading the book and choosing the right path.

I've realized lately that I've kinda been doing this in my life lately. Or, for the last while anyway. There are events in my life that will happen, and I don't know quite what the outcome will be. Well, thats not true. I have 2 options. But for those 2 options, there are also routes to get there. I've been trying to work backwards and figure out how to get to the option I want... or at least what paths will take me to the different choices.

I had a talk with Bailey last night about the choices that I am facing, and when I said what I thought I should do, she made a good point that changed how I thought. So I feel like I keep ending back up at square one.

The problem is, I know what my outcomes can be. I just don't know which one I want. And I want to be able to go down one path and if I don't like it I can turn back the page and try the second option with no consequence. Unfortunately I don't know if this is quite possible.

Wish me luck, the adventure begins...

Watching the day go by....

So I'm sitting here at (name removed), more or less just chilling cuz only one person has come through the doors thus far... and it's oh so exciting!!

Last night was fun times, went out with Dave Wall to a friend's brother's bday party thing. The guy's house who we went to, I don't know him super well, but it was still not too bad. After that we went to The Still and then came home from there. Once I got home, I got in my car and drove up to Listowel and met up with Ange at Mo's. Oh, a typical night for Alanna.

Tonight going to visit wDave in Woodstock and then going to come back this way and watch movies and stuff with Trishelle and Sartaj at Sartaj's house... and then? I have no clue.

Working 12-5 tomorrow... I really should get on my bike tomorrow before work and do a really fast go of the trails... Gotta get in shape!!!! The race is next weekend and I am so not ready for it. I think I did about 10km the other day in under an hour, so maybe I won't totally die, but.... At least I'm not almost dying of my lungs collapsing anymore!

Oh! That reminds me, I have to go buy one of those thingys that tell you how far you've gone... Odometer? Is that what it's called?? Gotta look into a bike light too, cuz the other night I almost died in the bush because I had no idea where I was and it was getting dark WAY too fast.

I really should stop saying "I almost died"... because one of these days I'm going to say that and it will be true and no one will believe me.

Did I write about how Jer's stupid ass dog scratched me and gauged and bruised my leg earlier this week? That sucked a lot. It's a pretty impressive bruise though, I must say.

Oh! I can't wait until Oct! I'm going to Ottawa on "business" for a week! They're flying me up there and then putting me in a hotel for the whole week... and then I return home the friday night and 2 days later I get back on a plane to go to Calgary for the week to visit Camille!!!! I'm pretty excited about both things...

What else?? Hahah you can tell I'm bored because I'm just writing a rambling post....

My brother has mono... that makes me laugh. Cuz I'm just that nice. Maybe I'll catch it from him (though I guess it IS known as the kissing disease, and I won't be kissing my brother) and I'll lose 20lbs like I did last time I got mono back in grade 9. But that was probably more due to the fact that I didn't really eat much for 2 weeks and just drank water and lived on Tylenol.

I'm out of things to go on about... more soon!

Happenings.

It's been a while since I updated... I should have updated sooner.... told everyone about my new job...

::(name removed)::

I'm starting to get the hang of all this stuff I have to do at work... I do these online exercises and then eventually I use them in a real-life situation. I've looked up flights, booked a flight or 2, processed some rail passes, and entered countless ISIC cards and Greyhound bus tickets. I tell students they can get on the bus at South Campus Hall, though I have no real idea of where that is. I can't wait until I actually am doing something that doesn't require assistance. But so far I've got myself through whatever I've done. It's just SO much to learn! My brain hurts by the end of the day at the sheer amount of information that I have crammed into it. But it's good. They tell me I'm catching on really quick, and I get along with the girls I work with.

::Girls Night Out::

The other night out with Ange and Sartaj was thoroughly amusing. All three of us have this tendency to attract attention from random people and so with all of us together something was bound to happen. Ange happened to know this guy at the bar on Sat night, a guy she was friends with way back in the day. At some point along the evening we ended up sitting with him and his friends, having random conversations about everything from Sartaj's house to penis size. Somehow I became the one interrogated for that particular section of the conversation. And in typical fashion I said something that opened up a whole new can of worms and I had to somehow dig myself out of that hole. Argh. The one guy, I'm going to call him Shaun Wall (as he is a mix of 2 guys I know) had the most amusing hair. He fit my oh-so-specific requirements of "silly hair and a nice smile" (I wonder, maybe I should refine that... well, I guess there is "plays guitar" and "makes me laugh"... and "has his shit together" on that list... he met at least 2 of those 3)... But back to his hair... it was the coolest thing. It did whatever I wanted it to... think: Greg from CSI. (mmmm.....Greg).... Anyway... yeah... so it turns out he lives not far from Henry's... so I told him to come visit me and gave him my number. Something tells me he wont call/show up...., but if he does, man, I'm going to die laughing.

::DDay::

It's almost here and I don't know when it is. Nervous as hell, but an anxious nervous, not a like "oh my god, I'm going to die" nervous. Who knows what will happen, but I'm open to everything. Not like I expect it all to fall into place in 5 mins, I know thats not realistic. It could be a month, it could be a day. Whateve. The ball isn't in my court, so I'll play it when it comes my way.

::BIKE RACE!::

I'm going to die, I'm sure of it. I am doing this bike race at the end of the month and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it through cuz I'm out of shape. But I've been "training" kinda, and I think it will be good for me on some level. I need to get back into serious exercise, so maybe this is a jump start.


I think thats all I can come up with right now... more sooner or later.

Information Overload

Today was my first day at the new job... and man, it was overwhelming but at the same time, totally boring.

I arrived early, but had to wait outside until one of the 2 other girls got there. I walked in and was told I could put my stuff at the desk at the back. I expected to have a bunch of paperwork to fill out, you know, the typical first day stuff, but they hadn't sent anything for me as of yet...

Since today was my first day I didn't have any login information for any of the programs we use, like the flight reservation or the accounting software. Both programs are somewhat daunting, because they are unlike anything I've had to use before. I guess what makes them more intimidating is the use of codes and weird letter combos to look things up, more of a DOS system which isn't intuitive, but will require more memorization.

I'm one of those people who learn by doing though, so I couldn't even play around on the programs, trying out different things due to the lack of a login... hopefully one of these days this week I can actually use the program and give it a go.

I felt like a knob when people came in and asked for information on flights here or there, because as much as I'd love to help them, I have no idea how... so I sold bus tickets to people and fun stuff like that. Whoot! hahah.

Soon, I expect, they will have the online training program available to me. Hopefully that helps.

I'm a fast learner, I'm sure it won't take me long to figure it all out... but until that day comes I totally feel like I'm over my head.

*Happy Dance!*

Monday is the first day of the rest of my life...

I got the job as a travel consultant with (name removed)!

I'm so stoked... I had my interview yesterday and sat around waiting to hear from them today... got the phone call around 3:30...

I start on Monday, it's full time with benefits! Thats super exciting as well. Finally I can get my wisdom teeth out and have my Rx's paid for and all that fun stuff!! AND the travel benefits. Oh man, I seriously can't wait.

HAPPY!!!

Back and right in there

Today was my first day back at the store in Waterloo, and it was kinda weird at first... I expected it to feel really familiar, and in someways it did, but at the same time it was kinda foreign. It didn't take me as long to get back into the swing of it all like it did in Ottawa, but mostly because I knew what to expect of things. It was more the not knowing exactly where things were, but thinking I should. The day went SO fast though. I don't know exactly what it was about the day that made it fly by, but it was lunch time before I knew it, and not long after that time to go home.

It's going to take me a while til I stop saying "We" in reference to Ottawa just like it took me a while when I moved to Ottawa to stop saying "we" in reference to Waterloo.

It made me laugh today, actually... I sold a used digital camera to a customer... and it's rare that we get used stuff in Waterloo... and I looked at the tag on the camera and it was in my handwriting... and I checked the back of the tag and it had been filled out like we did in Ottawa... strange that I sell a camera in waterloo that I'd originally seen in Ottawa. Maybe it's just me thinking it's strange.

It's nice the things that don't change around home. There are still signs that I wrote AGES ago up in the store, and I still had a locker with my business card in it... I had my cards with my name on them ready for me.

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On a separate note, I have my in person meeting with the people at (name removed) either tomorrow or Thurs... I'm pretty excited, I really really REALLY hope I get this job. I feel kinda bad that I'll be working a lot less at Henry's, but this is my opportunity to branch out and get into a new field. The perks of the travel industry are just too good to resist.

Wish me luck!

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A few pictures from the weekend home (tell me what you think of my new bangs... I'm still undecided) CLICK!!

Home Sweet Home...

I arrived home yesterday after a totally unexciting drive. My car was stuffed to the max, but at least I got it all in! Dragon was beside me, all cozy in his house... he wasn't totally sure what to think a lot of the time but *shrugs*

I took a tonne of before and after pictures both of me moving out of my place in Ottawa and me moving back home here...

I decided on my way home that i wasn't going to put anything away that I had brought home with me from Ottawa until I'd gone through all the stuff I have here. So I piled all my stuff on my bed and futon, and went to work unloading everything in my closet. I went through all my clothes that I didn't wear, bagged 'em up and said goodbye... then I went through all my shoes... and then I moved my plastic organizer to my bathroom and my bathroom thing to my closet... and proceeded to make my closet into something of an "office". I've also realized that I own a Shoppers' Drug Mart worth of bathroom stuff. I buy things, use them once and forget about them...

My room is pretty much back to tidy now, it needs a good vacuuming and the floor needs a bit of a mopping but other than that it's pretty nice. Dragon has to move up here to his new home, right now he's in the back room at my house, completely unimpressed with being relocated AGAIN.

Now that I'm home I don't really know what I'm going to do all weekend. Matt isn't coming anymore, and so any plans that revolved around him have gone out the window. I think I'm going to a party at a friend from high school's house tomorrow, and I think that I might just make Jer take me tubing on Monday. Cuz I haven't done that all summer. Plans to get my eyebrows done this afternoon and chillin with Bailey in the 'Loo for a few hours.

Pictures from the last 2 days of moving out, the car trip home, and my room in various states of reorganization click HERE

Packing requires "Planning"

Today is to be spent packing... we all know how much I like packing. I don't know what exactly it is about the packing that dislike so fiercely. Maybe it's not knowing exactly where to start, or the prospect of having all my stuff put away out of sight? I'm currently telling myself I don't have to start doing anything cuz I don't have any boxes to put stuff into. *rolls eyes at self* Yeah, I know it's ridiculous

Right now I'm doing what I call "Stage 1" of how I pack... it's called "Planning"... It consists of me sitting on my butt, watching tv and looking around my room deciding where to start with the whole process. Here is the current "plan"

1. Do dishes. Pack up dishes and extra food
   
2. Go have shower. Pack up shower stuff.
3. Get dressed. Pack dirty laundry into garbage bag. This includes my bed
   
4. Clean out car. Make room for stuff. Decide if I need more boxes.
5. Pack clean clothes. Folding is not neccessary.
6. Pack desk stuff. Work stuff that doesn't fit into my backpack (I think this is how it got here in the first place) into the nooks and crannies.
7. Take down pictures and decorations from the walls. Yeah, this should have probably come first. But I like my room to look like a room as long as possible.
8. Get Dragon's stuff organized.
   
9. Put stuff into the car.
10. Done?

Lets see if I can stick to that plan/

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

Today is my last day at the Henry's in Ottawa... I've got another day and a bit here in the city, but it's my last day of working. From the sounds of it I get some delicious icecream cake (whoot!)... Lets just hope my sales day goes well. Tonight I get some delicious sea food at Red Lobster with my aunt and uncle as well as Meg and Wylie. Whoot!

Today is a much better day than yesterday already... I was suffering from a case of what I'm sure was food poisoning. Ick. Felt pretty much like death all day yesterday, but after a bit of food and a good night's sleep I'm feeling SO much better. Thank god!

Tomorrow I'm going to "pack" my car. I hate packing. It's never been one of my favorite things to do. Mostly it will consist of throwing all my stuff into my car in what I'm going to pretend is an "orderly" fashion... I'm pretty sure everything will fit, I've taken some stuff home the last couple times I went back to visit. Tomorrow will also consist of going to the blood donor clinic to give my blood away and spending time with whomever I can round up.

Friday I'm going to take family pictures of Meg, Wylie and Chris and then get in my car and drive home... not sure whats going on Friday night quite yet... settling into my house back home and then probably meeting up with friends. I'll have all day Sat to myself and then I believe Matt's coming to visit for the remainder of the weekend. Not sure what we'll do, but whatever...

Okay, gotta get ready for that last day at work...

The Joys of 24

I love the show 24... however, after 6 seasons I think I've got the pattern pretty much figured out...

• Jack gets called out of hiding/work/whatever to help CTU with some major crisis, be it nuclear bombs, toxic nerve gas, etc.
• Something happens and Jack says "trust me" and goes in alone
• A character from a previous season is brought back
• A recurring character dies
• Someone in the Whitehouse is corrupt
• Someone wants the president OUT, and will go to all lengths to do so
• Halfway through the day, a larger, more complicated plot is unveiled
• Theres a leak in CTU
• Someone gets tortured because they won't release information
  

I think someone should make a drinking game to go along with 24...Nevermind, someone already has:

The 24 Drinking Game

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Originally found at
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?t=309038

One Drink

• Jack kills somebody.
• Somebody summarizes what's been going on in the past couple hours.
• Something bad happens to Kim.
• There's a split screen.
• Palmer has a speech about how he won't trash his morals, you know, the usual bullshit.
• Jack defies orders.
• A CTU employee looks at another CTU employee suspiciously.
• Somebody mentions the amount of time it will take for something to be accomplished (i.e., "The Delta squad won't be there for another twenty minutes").

Drink twice whenever

• A CTU employee other than Jack kills somebody.
• Some annoying authority figure shows up (Chappelle, Alberta Green, etc.).
• There is an obvious lapse in continuity (i.e., Kim says that Gael is a mole and in the next scene we see him on the run).
• Somebody mentions Terri (Season One doesn't count).
• Somebody is revealed to be a mole/traitor, or an important object turns out to be a decoy/red herring.
• Somebody other than Jack defies orders.
• A main character dies.

Drink three times whenever

• A supporting character from a previous season shows up (Nina, Mandy, Sherry, Kate, etc.)
• CTU goes into lockdown.

Finish the drink whenever

• The main villain changes (example - Gaines to Drazen).
• The final minute does not include a surprise/cliffhanger.

And another version:

The “24″ Drinking Game

Every time…
Jack says “You have got to trust me”, take 1 shot
– if the emphasis is on “got”, i.e. “You have GOT to trust me”, take an extra shot
Jack doesn’t have time to explain, take 1 shot
Jack doesn’t have time for this, take 1 shot
Jack says “You’ve got to do it”, take 1 shot
– if this is followed by “and you’ve got to do it now,” take 2 more
Anyone points out something that is “against regulations”, take 1 shot
Anyone has got to understand what is at stake here, take 1 shot
Anyone gets tortured, take 1 shot
– if they aren’t a terrorist or criminal, take another shot
a perimeter is set up, take 1 shot
– if the perimeter is supposed to be held until someone arrives, take another shot
– if the agents manning the perimeter are redeployed, take yet another shot
Jack takes a civilian hostage, take 1 shot
Jack steals a car, take 1 shot
Jack blows his own cover, take 1 shot
Jack dies, take 1 shot
– if he’s resuscitated, take another shot

*Special technical section* Every time…
Satellite coordinates are requested, take 1 shot
– if they can’t get the coordinates, take another
there’s a problem with the database, take 1 shot
a file is in the wrong format, take 1 shot
something needs to be rerouted, take 1 shot
someone uses another person’s computer, take 1 shot

*squeals with delight!*

It's a little too soon to be excited, but guess who's been asked for an interview with (name removed)! That's right, THIS GIRL!!!

I randomly applied online with them the other day and got a reply back this morning asking me to come in for an interview.

Not sure when it'll be, as I'm here in Ottawa until the end of the month... but everyone, keep your fingers crossed for me!

**Update**
I was refreshing my memory about the job at (name removed)... and came across this info:

Benefits: discounts of up to 75 percent on flights, tours, cruises, hotel rooms and car rentals. Wait, there's more! Once a year, we'll send you somewhere in the world, on a "familiarization" trip. (name removed) will pay for most or all of this trip. You gotta know a place before you can sell it, right?

Q. What do you mean by discounted or free travel?
A. How does Australia or New Zealand at $150 for two weeks, including accommodations and most meals, sound? How about Thailand and Malaysia for 12 days with accommodations for $300? These are examples of trips meant to familiarize you with destinations we sell, and they are exclusive to our consultants. There are also deals that you can use on your holiday time-like Hawaii for $100 or Hong Kong from $100.


How is this not the coolest opportunity I've had!? This could be the start of something awesome in my life. A new page, a rebirth in terms of what I'm going to do with my existence.

Whoot!

Adventure Seeker

Today was really fun... dangerous, potentially, but really fun.

SC and I went ziplining in Quebec. Thats right, I voluntarily hooked myself up to a cable strung 1400 feet across a lake and 120 feet in the air. And it was SO much fun!

We went to this place called La Fleche Adventures where they have an aerial park and caves. We didn't go through the caves, but we did do all 4 courses in the aerial park. The courses consisted of basically obstacle courses in the air... planks, rope bridges, tight ropes; all suspended between trees a minimum of about 30 feet above the ground. Some of the obstacles were ziplines from tree to tree which were really fun to go across. My least favorite was probably the stirrups, and my favourite was the long zipline across the lake.

The whole thing wasn't very expensive, about $40 for 3 hours of the aerial park. I didn't think it would be a good idea to take my camera, but upon doing the course realized I probably could have. Though, I found some pictures online from some other guy, so if you wanna check out HIS trip then check out the course

Why I'm Leaving Ottawa

I'm getting annoyed by people constantly asking me to stay in Ottawa and all that. I mean, I get that they like me, want my company and stuff like that. But me going home is not about them. It's about me.

Me moving TO Ottawa was about me. It's ALWAYS about me, has no one noticed this yet?

My plan to come up here was just another example of Alanna running away from her life, or attempting another beginning somewhere else, or just not dealing with stuff first hand. It's what I always do. Why do you think I went to Australia anyway, even AFTER Dave said that he couldn't go? I never deal with my problems, I just walk away from them and expect them to fix themselves.

They don't. I've always known this. But I'm working on all that. I've BEEN working on that. Kinda. I have to admit, I've got another running away backup-plan... But don't I always?

I always kinda thought of Ottawa as being something of a sanctuary... it's like, my happy place. And I'd toyed with the idea of coming back up here and how I would be happy here. And I'm sure I would... but I have unfinished business back home, and I miss my friends back home, and I can save money back home. This stint in Ottawa was always about being a trial. A chance to see if this was what I was missing. And maybe some of it was, but I never really had intentions to stay here forever.

I just wish people understood why I can't stay here. Not this time. I know some people get it, and thats why they haven't been bugging me to stay. I'm sure the people who keep telling me to stay think they are doing something good, showing me that they enjoy my company, like having me around etc... and I appreciate that. But anyone who truly knows me will know that I gotta do what I gotta do.

I have no idea what will happen this fall. It's going to be a transition time for me. It's going to be rocky. But thats what I've been hanging on for. My life could change dramatically or maybe it wont, I have no real idea. But I won't find out being here in Ottawa. It's something I have to go home for. I know the people here will still be here when I return, be it for a visit or whatever. And I know that if they are my friends they will be my support through whatever I need, even if I'm not physically in the same location.

So, everyone, please stop pestering me to stay in Ottawa. I know you mean well. But if you want what's best for me, let me do my thing. You know I'm going to anyway.

Post Secret Dot Com

Tidbits

I know, I promised to talk about my weekend at the cottage...and I've been lazy... a few updates on whats been going on these last few days...

The Cottage:
Basically it was awesome. It was relaxing, entertaining and great to see family again. I took my new waterproof housing along with me and made lots of videos and pictures with it underwater and jumping off the rocks. Ate my weight in food, played with my little nephew (who started to walk the day before his bday) and took a billion pictures.

PICTURES!!!

VIDEOS!!!
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Next Trip Planned!
I've spent the last couple of days figuring out when Meg and I will be able to go out to Calgary to visit Camille. I checked the price of flights for Westjet and found that some were on sale so we decided not to wait and get our tix now... Ended up getting a sweet deal and both of us can fly and it will only cost $470 each. Which isn't too bad at all! I don't know why, but I think it's just as expensive to fly to Vancouver as it is to Calgary... who knows. Oh well! Another province to check off my list! I've got the week off in Oct, so now I can just start counting down the days!! Also, I'll finally get to see Erin, my E-Twin that I have been internet friends with for almost 3 years now! It's going to be craziness!

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Interview!?!
I got an email tonight, apparently passiveaggressivenotes.com will possibly be interviewed by a radio station or tv station and I was asked if I would be one of the people they interview. I guess our silly kitchen notes were entertaining enough to be considered!

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Almost Over :(
My time in Ottawa is almost over, if you can imagine that! 4 months has just flown by so fast! I keep getting pressure from people here to stay and though I don't think I would be UNhappy here, I just know that it's not the right time. I came up here to figure some shit out, and I know that really I have to go home to get it completely figured out. Thats not to say I won't be back here again, just not right now. Need to save my money for all my trips coming up... and if my mom and dad will have me live at home with them, feeding me and letting me soak in my bathtub, I really can't complain!

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Terrible TV.
I can't believe I'm still talking about this! I fell asleep watching this absolutely ridiculous show on MTV last night... it was called the "X Effect" or something and it was so over the top I couldn't believe it.
To quote MTV's site: "If you were reunited with your former love, would you close the door on the past or re-kindle the flame? This is just the question that MTV's new show The X Effect asks. We invite two exes and their current significant others to a romantic resort for what both couples thing will be a weekend of romance, heartbreak and revelations. Once we get there, however, only the exes are invited to stay, while the new partners are sent home. Or so it seems. What the exes don't know is that their new loves will be spying on their every move.

As the exes revisit the past "in private," feelings resurface and relationships are put to the test. The significant others find out how their partners really feel--and learn that sometimes the truth hurts.

In the end the exes must face off with their rivals, own up to their actions and choose between old love and new. Are they still caught up in the past--or are they just over it? Find out on The X Effect."

I think what made me watch this show is basically the relevence to my own life it kinda had... I found myself thinking about what will happen come the fall... and how I want everything to pan out...however, the show was basically emotional suicide and is like asking someone to poke at your heart with a rusty nail... which isn't really what I'm wanting

- - - - - - - -

I think thats about all I can think of for now.... I'll post more soon!

Too tired for a real entry... this will have to do for now.

I just got home from the cottage and I haven't quite got the ambition to write all about our family celebrations... but I will tomorrow, promise

Until then, here are some amusing things that I found and thought were pretty hilarious or interesting:

What Would Happen If You Bought 25 Bottles of NyQuil?

North American and European Look-A-Likes

The 8 Strangest Communities on the Web

I like icecream, but this is gross

Morbid Facination

I've just spent the last 10 minutes staring out the front window of our store at the giant man that occupies the bus stop seat on the other side of the street.

He's huge. I'm talking morbidly obese. Almost at the stage where he doesn't leave the house because he can't. I watched a show on TLC about these kinda people. It was thoroughly interesting. What I can't figure out is how a person gets that huge. Is it genetics? Is it depression? Overeating? Poor food choices in general?

He's filling his face with fries from the chip wagon that parks around the corner from the store. It's a train wreck to watch... horrifying yet impossible to pull away from. The way he eats, it's mesmerizing...

We have a series of "regulars" outside our store... all with "appropriate" nicknames like Gutman (pretty self explanatory...) Jabba (the man I just was describing) and Emaciated Horseface (this twig of a chick that walks around in thrift store skimpy clothing)... not to mention the stream of literal crackheads that occupy the bench around the corner from the store (right in front of the chip wagon).


I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for saying all the things I have....

Christmas In July

Sometimes being dumb pays off. Or maybe it's not really dumb, just completely unobservant.

Almost 2 years ago I got a credit card through the store in which I work. I used it to buy my camera and a bunch of stuff since. I've been paying it off since I returned from Australia but never really looked at the balance on the bill. I hate bills or paper statements of things so I never really check them. I just put money onto the account and continue on from there.

Fast forward to recently. I've been making a list of things that I want but can't afford because they aren't really things that I "need". On the list: backup harddrive (500gb for like, less than $150 here at our store... thank you discount!), a waterproof housing for my point and shoot camera, a 50mm lens for my camera (so I can get those sweet blurred out shots and shoot in low light) and the new version of the lens I have on my camera now, but with image stabilization. The only other thing on the list is a MacBookPro computer, but since I already HAVE a laptop and have no REAL reason to switch, I've mostly abandoned that idea.

The other day I decided to check my balance on my store credit card.. and it said I had quite a lot of credit available to me... more than I had anicipated. So, when I was home over the weekend I looked at my statement and realized that I had overpaid the card by almost $900. Yeah. Thats how brilliant I am.

But, now I can afford all those things (except the computer) that are on my wish list. It's not like I'm spending money I don't have, because technically I've already spent it.

It's Christmas in July (though I guess it's now Aug) for Alanna... and she's going home tomorrow with all kinds of goodies. Whoot!

Do what you gotta do...

I can't believe my summer is almost over here in Ottawa.... sometimes it feels like I just got here and other times it feels like I've been here forever.

Either way it doesn't really feel like there is only about 5 weeks left here.

And the closer I get to my departure and the return to "normal" life back home the more I have people here telling me to stay and enjoy Ottawa.

And I would... if not for having to fulfill one thing that's been bugging me for quite sometime. If you know me well, you know what it is. It's that dream I've been holding onto for just about a year now. It's that chance to try one simple thing over again. It's a chance to fix my perhaps only real regret that I have... or find out if it's really a regret at all.

Yeah, I know thats vague.

I came up here to Ottawa in search of answers to a question I hadn't asked. Or maybe thinking that Ottawa was the promised land. And in some ways it has been what I needed. A break from the drama that follows me around, especially at home. But at the same time the same things that existed as "problems" before I left are still there... and I know that leaving doesn't change anything, it just puts it off until a later date.

I'd like to come back to Ottawa on a more permanent basis, and perhaps I will. But right now, as Matt said to me earlier, "you gotta do what you gotta do". He knows I have stuff I have to work out, even if he doesn't actually know what that stuff is... and thats why he's been such a great friend.

I was thinking about the philosophy I gave myself a year ago... "If it's not worth taking the risk, it's probably not worth doing". And I'm still living by that... I've risked things this last year by not completely moving on... but at the same time, by completely moving on I might have risked what I (think) I really want.

I really hope it doesn't all blow up in my face. But deep down I'm still convinced I'm not crazy for holding onto this...

Vacation

I need a vacation. If I don't get some time off soon, I just might snap.

Saturday I worked 14 hours. It sucked. We had to stay after the store closed to do inventory. Which isn't even done by us, but by a company called Western Inventory Services... but we have to go back and double check everything that they count to make sure they did it right. Argh. Sucks.

It was after 11 when I finally left the store.


Thank god I had today off. Matt and I went up to Meg's cottage and got to go out on the pontoon boat and take pics of the osprey nest on the other side of the lake. We went swimming off the boat and jumped off the rocks.

And it was so great to just not be working.

I have only Monday, Wed, Thurs, Fri and Sat between me and 3 days off. I'm heading home again to check up on things and taking Matt with me to show him what it's like in my neck of the woods. It should be good. I'm pretty excited about showing him around home.

I have to start planning my trip to Calgary... I can't wait to go out west again. I wish I could just spend all my time traveling around instead of being stuck indoors.

Amish in the City

Does anyone remember that show that was on a few years back? I dont really remember the premise but I think it had something to do with Amish kids being sent to live in the city and then they had a choice at the end to go back to their roots or to continue to live outside the community...

Anyway, I got to work this morning and saw an interesting sight. Walking down the street were 2 Amish people, I know this because, being from Mennonite Country I know the key differences between Mennos and Amish. (Most obvious: Amish have beards, Mennonites don't.)

And then I realized something. This is a strange sight. I'm in Ottawa, not in like, Elmira. How many Amish are rockin the Ottawa valley? It's so common to see Mennonites and Amish in the KW area that it didn't even faze me this morning. (Note, the picture on the left is from Elmira... I drive past this church whenever I go into town.

Funny that something like seeing a couple of Amish people walking down the street would confuse me to such a degree.

I miss home sometimes...

Dreams

Ever have a dream that you just know could come true?
I'm not talking about dreams and aspirations... I'm talking about the kind you have while sleeping... and I have dreams that are so realistic sometimes that I'm afraid they might actually happen!

A lot of the time it's my brain trying to work through my thoughts... usually my most current drama or perhaps I'll dream something that will revive some drama that I've for the time forgotten.

I had some dreams a while back about a certain someone... and they are always the same. I couldn't feel content until I'd asked him if he had dreams like that... and felt justified when he told me he did. Though thats another story all together.

The dream I had last night was interesting. It was a menagerie of all the stuff thats gone on with me this summer, this past year. It was a big Oh Alanna Reunion. There was drama, heartache, confusion. A lot like perhaps an episode of Sex In The City... sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have got into that show because it's probably a lot like my life....

The nice thing about this dream I had was that when I woke up everything was fine. It had all worked itself out and there was no more drama.

I wonder what causes these dreams I have... They usually come when things are at a calm in my life, like reminder of how crazy things can get with me sometimes. Though I know I bring it all on myself.

Still more Dragon...

Click on him to get to the pictures on my picasa...

So far this Dragon thing has been interesting... I learned a few things ...

1: I need to get a splitter for the heat lamp/UV lamp so that they actually both go on at the same time in the morning and I don't have to think much of it.

2: Dragons are hilarious when they eat. I have video proof :


3: Always lock the doors to his tank because Dragons CAN fly. Or at least jump out of high places. I went to cut up some food for him and came back to find him on the floor looking about slightly bewildered. Hmmm.

4: Dragon's are confused. Poor little guy is right now trying to get out of his tank by scratching on the glass and bonking into it with his head. I don't think he understands the new surroundings.


I'm going to Little Ray's today with Matt. I'll pick up some crickets while I'm there to give to him. I'm not sure what other things I should get for him... I'll have to look into it.

DRAGON!!

I got my bearded dragon today! I'm super duper excited! He doesn't have an official name yet, so far he's been called Dragon mostly. Perhaps Puff will be his full name, and just call him whatever comes to mind.

The girl I got him from was awesome and wrote me up a list of things he can and can't eat, as well as basic care instructions. Tomorrow I'm gonna go buy him some leafy greens and fruits and get him some crickets.

I hadn't mentioned the fact that I was getting him to any of my roomies, but thankfully a couple of them really are into lizards, so I have baby sitters for when I go home for the weekend!

Already he's got photoshoots planned... haha and I'm thinkin of getting some of my desert pictures printed from Australia to put up on the back of his tank so that it feels a bit more realistic... cuz I mean, a dragon born in captivity should know what it's like to live in the Australian desert, right?

Matt and I are going to Little Ray's Reptile place tomorrow so maybe I'll get a book on beardies and find out more about how to care for the little guy. He's totally personable though. He practically fell asleep in Matt's arms when we brought him back here to my place. I can't wait to let him run freely around my room!

A Whole Bunch of Little Things

I've got to work on keeping this thing up to date on all the "exciting" things that happen to me on a regular basis... or at least the things that happen and I'll try to make them SOUND exciting.

I'm ACTUALLY getting my bearded dragon! I think the big day is tomorrow! I'm pretty excited, though at the same time kinda scared cuz I mean, I don't know shit about reptiles. But it should be good. My cousin Meg gave me a great idea for a name (muchos cooler than Midawg)... I'm gonna name him Puff! Whoot! Hahah ..Cuz I mean, Puff the Magic Dragon was cool!

I spent today hanging out with Matt (like thats somehow a surprise to anyone). We went to Fabricland (slowest cash lady EVER) and I bought some material to make a shirt. I found out that one of my roomies has a sewing machine so maybe I can finally get all that sewing done that I keep thinking about. I'm going to figure out a plan for this shirt in the next couple days, I'm pretty excited about it. The idea behind it is a tube top thats sorta open at the back that exposes my tattoos but isn't like, a belly top or something. I'm also considering putting grommets (Yeah, I like grommets on my stuff I make) at the top of the back to attach "sleeves" of some sort. Who knows...

After Fabricland we went back to my house to grab my camera and head off to Stony Swamp to take pictures of whatever animals happened to be around. We fed some awesome ducks and took a billion pictures (much the way photographers generally do) Check out some pictures!!!

We went to Matt's parent's place for dinner (cuz who doesn't love free food?) and Matt amused himself taking pictures of me doing handstands and such. Or pictures of my butt. Which I actually didn't hate. Hmm.

After that we went back to his apartment where I commandeered the television to watch something on discovery channel about a mummy in Egypt. But I started getting sleepy so I decided to come home. And now I'm watching something on Discovery about things that have got stuck in people's bodies. It's morbid.

I think I'm going home again in a couple weeks. My parents are going away to Newfoundland and need someone to make sure the house is not in shambles when they arrive home. I'm dragging Matt with me this time so that he can see what it's like where I'm from... Pretty excited about that. I like showing people what it's like at my place, cuz, I mean, I love my home!

Anyway, thats all I can think of for now as to whats new with me. I'll have plenty after I get my dragon tomorrow. Pictures and stuff to come!

10 People, One Kitchen

I recently submitted a picture of this:


to a website called "passiveagressivenotes.com"

Check out the thread HERE!

Pictures and a video from the party

Pictures from the party : CLICK CLICK CLICK

And a video for your viewing pleasure ::

Barn Burning 2.0

Last night was the 2nd (maybe annual?) Barn Burning.

This all started last year when our barn fell down and my brother got the great idea to have a huge party with bands and shit like that. It was a huge success last year and therefore we decided to do it again this year.

Now, before I start explaining, let me say one thing... when we talked about doing it again this year we had planned on splitting the profits 50/50... however, that appears to not be the case, which kinda pisses me off, but oh well.... truthfully I didn't do much to prepare for the whole thing, so it's fair I guess, but at the same time the whole point of doing it again this year was to cash in... but anyway...

This year we had 4 bands playing up on stage (which is a flat bed truck trailer) and a big baseball diamond light to light the yard. We had security people running the door, making sure people paid their $10 and got wrist bands. They were also making sure people didn't have glass bottles and that kinda thing. There were kegs for the bands/hired help...

The only "problem" we had was around 10pm when the fire department showed up with 3 firetrucks. Then the cops came because the firetrucks were there. We had a burn permit for the fire, but apparently we never should have got it. They were concerned that we were feeding the fire and it was going to get out of control.

It was hilarious, people were still coming down the laneway AROUND the fire trucks...

Over all the whole thing went off awesome. We finished the night with $4400, which means 440 people paid... and there was probably 60 people on the "VIP" list that didn't pay. However, it didn't look like there was that many people on the lawn... but from the sounds of it there were little tailgate parties happening everywhere off the lawn. I overheard someone say that someone was bbq'ing by one of their trailers!

Clean up this morning sucked, it was raining. Most of the work was done by me and 2 other girls, going over the lawn, picking up bottles, cans and garbage, all in separate bags. I'm not sure how much we'll get back for empties but at 10c a can and bottle it should be at least $150.

This day has been going on forever. I went and picked up pizza for the people still here at noon and then got chinese food for the people still here at dinner...

Tonnes of pictures and videos to come...

My Product Review

Nair No-Strip Wax Kit

This was something I really wanted to try... I'd heard it worked well, and considering the way my legs have been looking lately I figured anything was worth a shot.

The stuff itself was an interesting situation. It's a little pot of hard wax in a little pot. There is a HUGE sheet of instructions that comes with it warning you not to overheat the stuff and blah blah blah. I followed the instructions perfectly down to the only heating the stuff up for 10 seconds after the initial 2 minutes to achieve the proper consistency.

I went to my room, telling my roomies that if they heard screaming not to be worried. I stirred the goo, which smelled great and looks kinda like yellow plastic and prepared myself to smear it on my leg.

I smeared it on, waited for it to cool and rolled up the bottom like it told me. I pulled it back, anticipating pain, but it just broke off like taffy. Rolled it up again, went to pull, it broke off. Argh!

When i actually was able to pull it back, hardly any hair came with it. This was not what i was expecting at all. I've used other waxing kits and never had so much difficulty.

I tried different parts of my legs from the spots around my ankles to the back of my thighs. But no difference, the hair just doesn't pull off.

I don't know what is supposed to be so great about this stuff. I'll maybe give it another go sometime, but right now I"m just disappointed that I spent $15 on something that gave me nothing but sticky clumps on my fingers of some substance similar to plastic. Hmmm.